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Take one healthy child, call it something nice...
Scrub away the grime, negotiate a price...

Touched by Adoption

Touched by Adoption
Dont ask stupid questions

Forced Adoption - HELPLINE 00 33 626 87 56 84  

Sunday, 30 December 2007

UK.. Specialists in short journey Trafficking

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HELP THEM - Pensioner jailed 2 years - writing to Grandson  

Unbelievable... Then again... This is the UK

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never forgotten  

It seems like only yesterday. Love and miss you both xxx

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Illegal Adoptions Child Trafficking The World Over  

Saturday, 29 December 2007

Special thanks to Mariana for excellent video.

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Pathetic Me  

Saturday, 22 December 2007

That's it , I am fuckin sick of putting a smile on for the world! 'Aarrh, doesn't it bother you that your family hasn't been in touch'.? You know what, so called friend, it might surprise you to know I am fucking human! YES it DOES bother me, in fact it hurts like hell. Family, ha, which family, I now have three if you count my Dad.
Three families... and not one has been in touch. Would it botherYOU?

I hate feeling like this but even more I hate admitting I feel like this. I am an adult so yeah I probably sound pathetic but I feel pathetic. Pathetic for ever believing I would be anything more than a novelty to my new found family. Right now I hate you all. I didnt realize just how much I wanted and needed a family until you all convinced me.
Im not a disposable toy. Adop mum you took me just because you wanted me at that time. Real mum I dont care what you say you could of tried harder to get me back. Adopt mum you put me into care when I was 11... Why?... we never have spoke about it? 9 times you through me away just to get me back... why?.... Real mum ... you have let me go again... why? I am sick of feeling this way. I am sick of crying. and I am sick of being angry all the time. While you all have each other I have no one to help put me back together. I will get over this and I will be stronger for it. but just for now I need to hate you all.

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British Justice  

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

I am not sure what I found the saddest when reading this. Lorraine Harris spent 16 months in prison wrongly accused of shaking her baby to death. At the start of her sentence she gave birth to a baby boy who was taken from her within hours of his birth and forcibly adopted.
Five years on and her conviction was quashed due to medical evidence. On Monday the High Court upheld the Home Office decision not to award compensation. The reason for this, it was not a newly discovered fact that cleared her, it was simply a revised statement of a medical opinion! This is British Justice at its best.

The whole story is awful. To have your child die and then be accused of killing it. How do you grieve under those circumstances. Having to spend five years of your life in prison with sex offenders then get released on electronic tag. Having to cope with all that while every single day thinking about the child that was taken from you at birth. Lorraine says having her son taken from her has been the hardest thing to cope with, her son is now seven years old.
What choked me to tears was the statement she said about her son. She said she accepted the view of her son's adoptive parents, who refused her contact on the basis that it would be too disruptive. All she knows is that he lives somewhere in Yorkshire. I would like to see just how disrupted the son feels when he is older and discovers that he was denied any kind of relationship with his mum. The adoptive parents aren't thinking of the child they are pure and simple thinking of themselves. The adoption should never of happened, an innocent mother had her son taken away. A child cant have too many people to love them and I'm sure there could of been a way for the adoptive parents to allow a healthy loving relationship to develop and for them all to share in the happiness of his life. Alas no, they obviously have the mentality of 'finders keepers' and 'ownership, 9/10s of the law. http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/7139385.stm

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The Chosen One  

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

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Quick Fix Disgrace  

Sunday, 2 December 2007

Will you be our mum and dad. There is something very disturbing about seeing a 6 year old and a 3 year old blazoned over a Tabloid news paper asking this question. Sure, any child would be excited at seeing their own face in a newspaper and even more excited if they think they will get a mum and dad.

So their photograph appears along side a full page spread detailing their lives to date http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article426226.ece and asking readers to get in touch if they want to be the 'mum' and 'dad'.

Viral video babes galore

WATCH our brand-new viral video channel featuring some of the hottest babe video.

Hidden Breast cam.

Topless Gymnastics.

Babe in Cadbury Ad spoof

Hamburg Babe.

Classifieds: get a bargain.

Dear Deidre: Sex Therapy.


These are just a few of the articles and videos that also appeared in the tabloid that day.

How will these two children feel further on down the line. Will they still be excited about being in the newspaper or will they be too busy dodging the cruel playground jibes. How will their self esteem be effected? It is hard enough dealing with the emotions that come with being adopted without thinking you had to ask the world if anyone would have you!

In the UK our family courts are closed courts, which has lead to many injustices. There are currently over 100 cases of children having possibly been wrongly freed for adoption by our courts. These tragedies are happening because parents cannot get the proper help and representation for fear of being held in contempt of court. The reason for closed courts... to 'protect' the child's identity. So why is it that the moment the courts free a child for adoption their identity and life story lose all protection.

I would like to make it clear that this tabloid article was brought to my attention through an email. I do NOT and have NOT bought or read the Sun newspaper since April 1989. You can find the reason why in my justice for the 96 videos.




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Think the Unthinkable  

Wednesday, 28 November 2007


Places you have never been before seem strangely familiar. You hear a voice and just for a moment, you turn to look. Dreams of faces you have never seen appear to you as you sleep. Surrounded by family, just for a split second, you feel an outsider. You might mention the odd thing or two to your family but they casually dismiss them. There is no one particular thing that you can explain as not right, there is just something.

It is a feeling deep inside, a feeling of something missing. Like a story book that has lost some of its pages. You can skip the missing pages and still follow the story but you are still aware of the missing pages.

I can make the missing pages comparison because I have experienced the unthinkable. More importantly though, I discovered reality. I ask you, for a moment, try and think the unthinkable. The only parents you have ever known. The parents who you love and who love you with all their hearts. imagine, if you can, that you weren't born into the family you love and know. Imagine your life started very differently.

Adoption 'awareness' is very much in the media but being 'aware' means accepting that corruption DOES exist in adoption. Children ARE stolen and sold for adoption. Could YOU be a stolen child? Unthinkable you say, but is it? Stolen children are quickly molded into the role of official off spring. Would the adopters of a stolen child tell the child. NO. So, I ask you again, think the unthinkable.

On July 24, 1991 on the Greek Island of Kos, a two year old child vanished without a trace. Little Ben Needham was playing in the Greek sunshine outside the family home, within the space of five minutes he was gone. Bens' mum Kerry was let down atrociously by the Greek authorities (and the UK, where it seems, unless the missing child is that of a middle class family it is just yesterdays news) who took the stance that no Greek person would steal or hurt a child". The refusal to consider Greek involvement meant the investigation into Bens' abduction was a farce from the beginning.

Greece has a long history of trafficking and illegal adoption. After world war 2 and Civil war the Greek economy was on its knees. The 1950's saw 100's if not 1000s of children illegally shipped to America from Greece for adoption.
http://query.nytimes.com/gst/fullpage.html?res=9905E2DF1139F930A25757C0A960958260 Was it coincidence that at the same time the Greek economy appeared to recover? A much fuller picture of Greek adoptions has emerged since the 1995 social turbulence which resulted in the unearthing of mass criminal acts involving adoption. These finding, have forced a change in the ancient Greek adoption laws, and in 1996 adoptees finally gained rights.http://www.seasyp.gr/greek-law.htm .


The possibility exists that Ben Needham was abducted for the adoption market. Sixteen years have gone by since Kerry and her family held Ben, touched Ben, kissed Ben, sixteen long years that will have turned Ben from that chubby little two year old whos' face we know so well, into an eighteen year old young man. While that possibility exists I ask every young man just for a moment to think the unthinkable. It could well be the unthinkable that holds the key to Bens' whereabouts.

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Promise to Ben  

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Letter I can never send  

Tuesday, 27 November 2007

Dear Mum, I don't know where to start, It's been just over two years since I last came to see you. I know you don't know why and I know it must hurt you. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm scared I would fall apart and never recover if we had this conversation face to face for real.

I know I haven't mentioned my real family since I was about 14years old and I know that it would never of entered your mind that I would try to look for them. Mum, I did look, and after twenty two years I found them. I met them for the first time two years ago. I'm sorry. I wish you where still the same person that you were when I was a child, this wouldn't hurt so much and I could just hate you and tell you what I thought of you. Your not that same person and you haven't been for many years. I understand so much more now.

What you did was wrong but apart of me can see how it must of been for you. I know you had arranged to adopt me before I was born. I know that my mum handed me over to you when I was ten days old. You had spent four months planning for me. My mum said you were devastated when she took me back one day later. She said how you tried to kill yourself. That's why she promised you that you could see me whenever you wanted.

She told me how much you and my dad loved me and how you spoilt me every time you seen me. I know she took advantage of you as well. She said when she was pregnant with my brother Michael it was often easier to just let you have me for a few weeks as a time.While she was living at her brothers and his wife's I know she left me with you more than she should have. She told me it was hard at her brothers because he had five kids and she and Mick (yes, they are still together) had me and baby Michael but it was made clear I should be got rid of. I was an illegitimate bastard and the families shame. I don't really know what her brother Jimmy told you or even if you knew my mum had a breakdown. All I know is that when I was three and a half you and dad took me on holiday and my mum didn't see me again.

You obviously knew what ever it was and what ever lies you dad and Jimmy told social services you knew it was wrong. It explains alot though. You must of been scared of been found out. The lies make sense but why did you tell me such horrible things about my mum. She never dumped me as a tiny baby and she did love me. Why did you always tell me she didn't want to know me. Why did you always tell me she was no good. You probably believed that though. Mum she isn't a bad person she was just a young naive girl who got pregnant. You told me she was a prostitute but apart from my dad Mick is the only man ever in her life. Did you know as well as Michael (who you never told me about) I also had two sisters.

I have so many things I want to ask you but I know in the real world I never will. When we speak on the phone I cry for hours when I put the phone down. I live two completely different lives now and neither of them is real. I cant be honest with you so I pretend on the phone that everything is fine. My real family I have had to tell them I had a happy childhood, it was the only saving for my mum. After you took me she had several breakdowns and never full recovered. I could never tell her the truth about my childhood and I could never tell her that I spent alot of time in children's homes, it would kill her. So I can never really have a relationship with my family because my child hood experiences made me who I am. To you I am Jxxxxxx your daughter who left home at 16. To my real family I am Donna, my mums daughter and big sister to Michael, Michelle and Allie, and I'm back where I belong. When I moved away at 16 I left my childhood behind and as you know every one knows me by my nick name. I cant be jxxxx because she was nothing but a lie. I cant be Donna because I don't know who she is and I don't want to be the person I became at 16 because to be her I have to be alone. It would of been easier if I had never been born.

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His other life  

Friday, 23 November 2007




The otherside of Miliband.

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Poor Little Bastards Are We!  

Monday, 19 November 2007

Cllr Shireen Ritchie, Cabinet Member for Family and Children's Services and the driving force behind Chelsea's middle class adoption team. What a woman and what a world she lives in.

Last year she kicked of the 'its the magic of being a family' campaign. She delighted the conservative women of Chelsea with her adventuress approach. Instead of the usual adoption events being held in the Town Hall she took the magic of adoption to the people. Brent Park Tesco in Neasden, was the first port of call. Where better to set up a stand to promote the magic of adoption. The check out at the local supermarket.

'It's the magic of being a family' had taken months of preparing (so we were told)Cllr Shireen Ritchie said: "It's very important to provide a permanent home for children when it is not possible for them to live with their own family. Children are the future and it is vital that we give every child the best possible opportunity in life." Then announced the final leg of the campaign. Centre Court Shopping Centre, Queens Road, Wimbledon, and then on to the foyer area at Tesco, Great Central Way, Neasden.

She was completely oblivious to the fact that the posters of children in need of a magic family looked like a marketing campaign for the up and coming in store Christmas grotto. She made another slight error of judgment
also in her search for magic mummies and daddies. The residence of her nice borough have their Nannies or Au pairs do the shopping at Tesco. Silly woman.

Did I mention that Cllr Shireen Ritchie, is also the mother in law of Madonna and step mother to Guy Ritchie non the less. She appeared on GMTV last week to highlight her adoption campaign. Being interviewed by the non too intelligent Fiona Phillips.

Fiona Phillips asked: “You have probably one of the most famous adopted little grandsons in the whole world now. How’s that all working out?”

“It’s working out very well,” Ritchie replied. “They’re wonderful and loving parents and he’s a very lucky little boy.”

interview

Excuse me! well it goes some way in explaining just why adoptees always feel somewhat 'lucky' and grateful, similar to a sack full of puppies saved from the canal. Yes, lets hope little David appreciates how lucky he is to have his mum die and lose his remaining family. This woman has a voice in UK adoption and it is a voice that is heard. We un -grateful little bastards need to use our own voices and loudly demand the respect and the right to live without owing a debt of gratitude to any fucker that patted us on the head as we passed.


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I am an equal  

Will adoptees ever be seen for what they really are. What are we? We are members of the human race, we are created and arrive in the world in the same way as non adoptees. We take our first breath and share the same air as every other person.

From the moment the cord of protection is cut, we all, without out exception become individual residents of life.

Somewhere along the way we lose our equal status and become the property and result of our higher ranked race. Do we grow an extra nose or a couple of horns, visible only to the non adopted. What ever it is I know it's real. We are not complete rejects, we show signs of promise or maybe a blank canvas for the more imaginative.
The process begins with the rough edges being smoothed. Then the erasure of anything that might identify our flaws. There, just like a real child. Who would ever guess that we were one of them, you know, one of them adoption options.
The next blog might hold the clues as to why the disguise we are given doesn't quite fit.

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In a Village Hall Near You  

Thursday, 15 November 2007






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Ben 16 years on  

Tuesday, 13 November 2007

in 1991 21 month old Ben Needham went missing on the Island of Kos. Circumstances were similar in some ways to Maddie Mccann but the response was completely different. Ben's mum was a single parent who along with her parents and young brother had moved to the Greek Island to make a better life for themselves. On a sunny afternoon in broad daylight little Ben vanished off the face of the earth from out side the family home. The Maccans story is well known and the investigation is in the media almost everyday (as it should be).

Maddies parents both of whom are well respected Doctors have had mass media support and all legal costs funded by donations. Even Richard Branson the multimillionaire has offered to pay for anything they family needs. They were provided with the funds to remain in Portugal for as long as needed.
Kerry, Bens mother received no help at all. Media attention died down within a matter of weeks and she was let down by the Greek police investigating Bens disappearance in the worst possible way. The whole family had to leave the Island of Kos shortly after Ben went missing due to financial reasons. Why did no one come forward to offer financial help to this family who clearly needed it. Ben will be 18 shortly and his family with the help of a computer whizz have had a photograph done of how Ben would look today in the hope of either Ben or someone who knows him recognising him.
It has from the beginning been widely thought that Ben was taken by someone for illegal adoption. Greece at the time announced that Ben must be dead because 'no Greek person would steal a child'. Illegal adoption and especially that of blue eyed blond haired children (as Ben was) has been rife in Greece since the 1940's. Greece does not even have to this day a central data base of Birth records, making illegal abduction and adoption an easy mission.
Even if Ben is to be found and the adoption theory proven, who ever took him will go unpunished because Greece also has a 15 year statute of limitations, which for Ben has passed, so no one can ever be prosecuted for any crime towards Ben. The attitude in the UK, I'm ashamed to say, has for the Mccanns been sympathetic (even though they left 3 children under the age of 5 alone in an apartment) and they have been offered help at every turning. The same peoples attitude towards Kerry, Bens 19 year old mother was a complete contrast. She was portrayed as a single parent who had failed to keep her child safe and offered no help or compassion. The Greek police have now admitted they made grave errors in the immediate search for Ben but what good is that now. Does society really think that a persons financial status is what decides a persons worthiness and goodness. Sadly in the UK it seems to be the case.

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Adoption Week BLAH!  

Friday, 9 November 2007


But I'm NOT!




Be careful what you wish for : You might just get that head in a box

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A miracle price  

Tuesday, 6 November 2007

Take one healthy child,
negotiate a price
scrub away the grime
call it something nice

When it starts to talk
make sure that it's polite
and when it calls you mother
be sure to say 'that's right'

Send it to a good school
the best that you can find
what a lucky bastard
to have a mum so kind

That God blessed little miracle
is a fucked up fairy tale
since when did any miracle
come with bill of sale

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I need praying for... She says  

Monday, 5 November 2007

I read a blog last night by an adopter named Andrea. The blog is a celebration of Gods miracle in bringing her daughter into her life.. Her happiness is obvious and her daughter beautiful.

Her blog tells how she came to adopt, why she chose the country she chose and they journey they have been on. She was told many mothers are willing to give their babies up for a better life for them and they plan parties to mark the date of Gods miracle.
I had read quite a few Inter country Adoption blogs and the adopters have got it soooo right. They have recognised the pain that is also attached to adoption. They understand the need their child will have to know about their identity and all that goes with it. They have it so right because as well as loving their child they think of the child's needs before their own.
Anyway, I commented on the blog (shock horror, how dare I !) I simply said how happy they looked but (think that was my mistake) It was no miracle that got them their child, it was an industry, a big industry at that. It comes down to cash. No mother should be parted from her child due to lack of wealth. More should be done to enable these families to stay together. I didn't mean to offend the woman I just felt she owed it to her child to know the reality. I also said there will come a day when the miracle celebration party will make her child think of what she lost that day. National Adoption week has only started here today and already I have heard that many sugar coated cliches I could scream! The pain and hurt that adoptees feel when they are old enough to understand is real and ignore it all you like but it doesn't go away and it doesn't get easier.
Well the bottom line is Andrea the adopter has asked every one to pray for me for my EVIL comments!'Please join me in praying for her. God adopts us into his family, and I have no doubt that He brought my child to mine'. Whooppee! I might be a bastard but at least I will be a blessed bastard! Hey Ho.

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Little things mean...  

Today is my sons birthday. I have found myself crying on more than a couple of occasions (out of site of course). The reason...

between my a/family and my real family, at least 24 adults in all, not one card. I know it sounds pathetic to cry over something so small. I am not even sure why it hurts so much. My sons attitude was 'so what'. So why did it tug my heart, no rephrase that, why did I feel my heart had been torn out and trampled on?
If his birthday was any other day I don't think I would feel so bad. Bonfire Night, hardly a day you forget. I don't know if its because I have never had a birthday card off my real family or what but its the little things that hurt the most.
Have I built up a fantasy of what having a real family means, yes I know its only a card. Is it supposed to hurt like this.

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Adoption Week  

Saturday, 3 November 2007


Monday sees the start of the Annual Circus show. The circus that is Adoption Week. Whoooppie!
It's a new beginning for all the children 'protected' by the closed family courts. Freed for adoption, it is now OK to parade them all over the media. Who gives a shit that they don't have a clue what is really happening to them!
Of course there are children who cant be with their own families, for what ever reason, but they still have the right to keep their family, including name, in their heart and soul. Children cant have enough people to love them, cant that love and security be given without tossing the old family out for the new!




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Touched... I'm not  

Saturday, 27 October 2007


Do you ever wonder who invented some of the words or phrases used when it comes to adoption. I do, maybe I just need to get a life!

Some words are damn right offensive and some... Well, some are away with the fairies. The adopted child is a 'gift'. When I think of the word gift I think of wrapping paper and if I'm giv
en a gift I immediately shake it. Not a very good idea if the 'gift' is a child. I've yet to see a child in wrapping paper, haha, and I cant imagine myself shaking a child.
'Touched' by adoption. When I think of the word touch I think of Touched by an Angel (god I love that program!) or touched in the head, or even the touch of a butterflies wing on my face on a hot summers day. 'Touched' by adoption is something I don't feel. Battered, whacked, splattered, yes, those I do feel, but no, not touched.



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Letter of Contact  

Thursday, 25 October 2007

I had a few possible address's for the person who could be my mum. I also had pages and pages of people with same surnames that I had decided could be possible family members. I was considering writing to all the addresses that could be my mums when out the blue my friend emailed me to say she had found birth records of three possible siblings, oh fuck it, that's not a word I say! two sisters and a brother.

I couldn't write direct to my mum knowing that she had kids. I hadn't even thought of sisters and brothers but I assumed that she would of never told them about me. She had ran off when I
was just 10 days old and never had contact since (so I had been told) So why would she tell her kids.

I needed to start connecting all the people I had collected. I started to do a sort of family tree. When I had a rough tree I started going through all the local obituary columns. I thought when a family member dies its pretty normal to put an announcement in the local paper with funeral details saying loving bro/sis of whoever and loving son of. You know the thing. Anyway in the middle of the second night searching I found it! An obituary from 2002 saying loving brother to and devoted son to and loved uncle of... Everyone on my tree was mentioned, including my mum and sisters and brother. I finally knew I had the right fa
mily, a big family at that!

I narrowed it down to her brother and his wife (they had lived in same house for 15 yrs according to the electoral register) So that's who I wrote to. I lost count of how many pages I scribbled out. I didn't have a clue how to start it, but this is how it went. I told them my name
and when I was born and said I thought their sister was my mum. I said I didn't want to contact her direct because of her family. That I didn't want to intrude into her life, but could I have a photo of her and maybe a letter. If I'm 100% honest I expected a reply saying she had moved on with her life and she didn't want contact. I was ready for that, I had only ever been told the story of her running off. I desperately wanted a photo though.
Within a week of sending the letter my whole family had travelled 120 miles and landed on my doorstep.


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Scraps of my Life  

Tuesday, 23 October 2007








I have kept every single scrap of paper during my search. Exercise books galore! some pages only have a couple of words, maybe a name or a possible address.

Coffee cup rings and bits of crisps have stuck some pages together but I still wont throw any of it away. The kids call it my junk fetish. Every scrap of paper has a memory. The last two years of my search had me concentrating on three different families of the same name. I have cried so many times onto my scribbles, usually with frustration, but each one gave me a step forward or
a scribble out. Scribble outs are just as good as a step forward! one less possibility, every bit helps. I wish the person who rubber stamped my life away could be forced to spend just half an hour in the lonely world of scraps in the hope of finding some identity.








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Adoption Box  


A dark green Lacoste shoe box. The most precious thing in my life (apart from my kids). It holds my life. The life I have never known or been allowed to know...

What colour is your box?
What does your box hold? My box has my birth certificate, my two page adoption 'file' and loads of scraps of paper, not to mention lots of dust and fluff.

Every time I open my box I go through another emotional roller coaster. Each item, however small, holds apart of my journey. I promised myself that when I found my mum I would put a ribbon around my box and put it in the loft. It sat in the loft for less than a week. I need my box, how pathetic is that. It not only validates who I am but it validates my sanity, something I'm not prepared to lose.

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Closure - WHEN  

Tuesday, 16 October 2007

Closure. Now there's a word. For me the word was constant in most of my thoughts. Knowing who I was would bring closure. Finding my family, would bring closure...

Just knowing... that was going to be my closure. I found out who I was. It didn't bring closure. I found my family. It didn't bring closure. Does closure even exist? Or is it just another fucked up belief we cling on to!
I need closure. I want closure. So where the fuck is CLOSURE! I would love to hear from other adoptees as to whether or not closure exists. The closer I think I am to finding it I wake up to find it's further away than ever.
I'm pissed off at being adopted. Adoption isn't just an event that happened to me as a child. Adoption is like a really crap movie, with a fuzzy beginning a middle with no meaning and an ending that leaves you thinking 'what the f#ck was that all about'.

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Wrong baby blunder  

Thursday, 11 October 2007

Imagine going into hospital and giving birth to your baby. For almost a year you love and cherish that child. Watching her grow and develop.

What would you do if suddenly you were faced with the fact that you had the wrong baby! http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/main.jhtml?xml=/news/2007/10/10/wbaby110.xml That is the horror facing two mothers in the Czech Republic.

A hospital blunder meant that the mothers went home with each others baby. I cant think of a worse nightmare. Obviously you would have bonded with the baby you had taken home and you would love that baby. What would you do? Personally, and I dont care how selfish I sound, I would want both babies! I would love both babies, I just know I would. I can't imagine the other mother would feel any diferently either. A horrible, horrible situation.

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Truth about Adoption  

The truth about adoption http://chezblot.blogspot.com/2007/10/adoption-us-style-in-21st-century.html is an excellent article and it should be read and re read until it is understood.

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November 1985  

Tuesday, 9 October 2007

Quite possibly the most magical night of my life. Why? It was the night I gave birth to my first son. I must of lay staring at him for most of the night.

Nothing could have prepared me for the overwhelming love I felt for him. While I was pregnant I had all the romantic ideas of what my, I suppose I should say our, baby was going to be like. She was going to be gorgeous, only she turned out to be a he!


From the second I clapped eyes on him I knew that this must be what it feels like to love some one. The next day as he lay asleep in my arms I thought for the first time ever 'how could someone give their baby away'. I just thought, what a bitch to give a baby away, really what I meant was how could my mum of given me away!

I must of cried for the next 2 days, I couldn't tell anyone why I was crying, no one in my new life knew I was adopted, so It was put down to the baby blues. I made the decision then that I wouldn't give up till I found my mum. Before that time I had never once thought in that way, I had always thought that what ever reason my mum had me adopted was the right reason for her at the time. I have never thought it since then either. I just count my self lucky to have had my kids beside me and could never imagine the pain of losing any of them.

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What the F#ck!  

Friday, 5 October 2007

I had an email today from John Hemming MP (one of the very very few MPs worthy of trusting) the email was around up of the latest adoption and family courts matters

I went to all the links, clicking all the related links along the way (as you do) and came across something that I couldn't quite believe. A couple who claim their adopted son was so emotionally disturbed he ruined their lives have won a damages claim against a council. The adoptive mother said
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/2346917.stm her adopted son could be "a lovely little boy" for two-week periods.

The couple won damages for personal injuries; depression caused by the adoption; loss of earnings resulting from his needing constant supervision and the cost of the damage to their home caused by the boy.
I don't know where I was when this story was coming out, I must of been asleep. I don't remember anything of the case, but what the fuck! Who would they of sued if she had given birth to the child! Read full story http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/2586567.stm

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Good Bye  

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Real mums are exactly that. Real mums. They feel, they bleed and they hurt. Yet some think adoption is something to celebrate. Even going so far as having a nation adoption week. Would you celebrate this womans pain?

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Remembering to laugh  

I have found a really good web site tonight http://poundpuplegacy.org/. It deals with all aspects of adoption, care issues, child abuse and the likes. Why mention it? It reminded me to laugh!

Amongst all the serious issues the pound pups has HUMOUR. God I forgot what that was. My blog reads like a manic depressive slit throat cancelled party! I start going through my adoption stuff for posting and sometimes I'm right back in the time.

Once I stir up one bad memory it tends to trigger ten more. You know what though, I'm not a manic depressive and I did have some fun times growing up, usually at some poor bleeders expense, but hey I was young! After saying all that, I cant think of one funny thing that doesn't make me sound cruel, sick or one of Britain's most wanted! I always had a warped sense of humour and it was always getting me in trouble. Its no good, I'm sitting here laughing my head off remembering, god I was a vile child! I just hope any of my victims sustained no lasting damage. haha

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Red door  

Tuesday, 2 October 2007

It was a shop, that much never left me. The shop was on a long street, a street of houses though, not your typical row of shops (well typical of where I lived).

I knew the shop really well, I even knew my way around it, in my head I did anyway. It was a funny angled shape, its door wasn't on the front, it was sort of on the side. Imagine a square and you slice the corner off, that's where the door was.

I remember I used to sit on top of big hessian sacks of potatoes in the back of the shop while the adults drank cups of tea in the front. It was always cold in there and smelt of onions!

The outside of the shop had red pointed railings that pulled across the door of a night and fastened with a pad lock. I always remembered the step (I know, weird!). The step was shiny and dipped in the middle where it had been worn away and it was slippy!

Having something that vivid in your head either had to be real or you must be slightly mad. Well no one could tell me how I knew the shop. I asked dozens of times over the years and always heard the same thing, 'you've imagined it'. When I was about ten I must of been going on about it again and my sister who was two years older than me said she remembered it and said the shop was Josie's. I'm not sure how it went but I know it only took a few words from my adoptive mum to convince my sister she was wrong and had been thinking of somewhere else.

When I was 25 I was going through a rough time, It isn't easy to explain, but here goes; I had spent most of my childhood being told I was imagining things that I believed I was. Believing it was my imagination didn't stop the thoughts I had though so obviously I did think I was crazy.

I had ran away from my home town at sixteen and in a way reinvented my self.No one knew me or knew I was a bit mad and that's how I wanted to keep it. I never spoke about my past ever, just in case they guessed I was a bit mad. I did a good job of acting normal, well, normalish, having an eating disorder is a bit harder to hide! Every now and again though my crazy thoughts would appear and it was getting harder to ignore.

Back to when I was 25, the red shop came back with avengance. I had been put on anti-depressants (didn't mention my thoughts to doctor) and had started to feel I was losing the plot. I knew if I found the shop with the red door I would be ok. I would know I wasn't going mad again. I arranged for a friend to pick my son up from nursery the next day and have him over night. I dropped my son off and got the train to Liverpool.

I went to every area of Liverpool that I knew as a child, nothing. I got the last train back home. I must of cried for the hour and a half journey home. I had been convinced I would find it and everything would make sense. I just wanted to get my son and shut myself in the house. I got to my friends and my son was fast asleep it was obvious I had been crying (god, forgive me but I had lied to my mate and said I was going to a family funeral) so she convinced me to stay the night with her. A month later I had what they said was a nervous breakdown. A complete shock to all my friends because they had always seen me as a strong person.

The second time I met my real family was in Liverpool. I had found them two weeks earlier and had gone to stay with them for a couple of weeks. I stayed at my real sisters house (though the whole family live in the same street) on the second night we were going through all the family photos and getting to know each other slowly. I told her about the red door but she didn't comment on it.

The next morning she insisted we go and get some fags. We had been in our pyjamas since the night I got there( pigs Yeh! but we had a lot of catching up to do!). We got dressed and she asked if I'd go to the shop while she fed her baby. She said I couldn't get lost because it was only near the bottom of the road. I saw the railings they were blue though not red, I felt physically sick. I walked in bought the fags and left. My sister was standing on her doorstep and she just hugged me. She said she knew straight away what shop I was talking about. The shop is called the sister shop in Peel rd Bootle, I had been born in the next rd. The name my adopted sister had mentioned Josie, was my real mums best friend.

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In memory of Americas failed children  

Saturday, 29 September 2007

The new laws passed in 2004 requiring counties to release the names, dates of birth, and dates of death for all children dying while under the care of social services are NOT being followed at all.

The Department of Social Services keeps all names confidential .Imagine --your state's most vulnerable children, betrayed by a state system that was supposed to protect them -- and we have no idea who they are.


Follow this link http://suncanaa.com/in_memory_There is a story behind each picture, real story about one short life....Please take a couple of minutes to look around and see what are we talking about.
- May the spirits of those lost rest in peace and may we never forget or ignore what happened to them.-

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Death by Closed Family Courts  




Tahla Ikram aged 17 months. You just want to kiss his little cheeks dont you? well you cant. He is DEAD! Closed family courts and the secrecey surrounding hearings mean authority officials have the safety net of unaccountability. If you need any proof of the failings of our Social Services or the damage that closed family courts result in , then carry on reading.

"The sheer scale of the injustice goes further than anyone can imagine"
We live in a country where at present a minority of gutless, ignorant and cruel individuals stand more unaccountable than ministers in our own government. An unaccountable minority making lives hell for thousands of families and their precious children each year. An unaccountable minority who escape prosecution for their perjurous crimes committed against innocent families in unaccountable family courts wrapped in secrecy. Unaccountable legal representatives who pretend to care right at the start only to deceive and ignore nearing the end. These are draconian laws, but made worse when twisted by local authority officials using a safety net of unaccountability.

Why are these children dying?
"Where's the justice for these children failed by secret professional thugs"


Aaron Gilbert aged 13 months

Chloe Thomas aged 14 weeks

John Smith aged 4
These are just a few of our children who have died due to the failings of our Social Services. Read their stories and many more http://www.fassit.co.uk/the_young_victims.htm.
Social Services and the Family Courts are responsible for our childrens welfare. Decisions as to whether families stay together or seperate, some to never see each other again,are made in these very courts. That is why the family laws need to change and our courts need to open up. The secrecies need to stop so that real protection can be given.

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More Email July 2005  

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

June and July 2005 were the most exciting and nerve racking days of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. The last e mail sent was the day before my world fell apart. The day before I completely lost who I thought I was.

tina wrote:
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >I think ive made a major break through and if i have i have got nearly all her family!!!! i know its 5 in the morning but im almost positive, so had to mail you!!! i just hope i dont fall asleep (havent been to bed for 2 days) and wake up to find ive just wished it and really ive collected a travelling circus!!!! cant wait to let you know it all cos you will have a better idea as to wether they all fit.... byeeee!!!
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > > > > > >Date: 28 Jun 2005 10:13:42 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > > > >Morning Tina although i bet you are still in bed crazy woman staying up all night, what have you found ????? more children to her and Michael.
> > > > > > > > > > >I only went upto 1972 as you know i still have a few credits so could try 1974 and 1976 maybe as babies are normaly 2 years apart.
> > > > > > > > > > >Or maybe you have already found more kids.
> > > > > > > > > > >Col xx
tina wrote:
> > > > > > > > > >I was just in middle of typing it to you.... hope im not bugging you.... well, i think ive found her entire family! her mum and dad i think are james fisher and mary jones ( the others were proddies) they had john, James, mary, isabella and marie. James their son married Marguarita (rita) and they had, Ian, david, cathy and tricia. their son ian died in sept. 2002 aged 36. John isabella's brother died 19.2.04. aged 62!!! what do you think x
>Date: 28 Jun 2005 10:38:58 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > > > >Hi Tina were did you find all this info...
> > > > > > > > > >Col xx
tina adams . wrote:
> > > > > > > > >oh, yeh and the one who died used to be a member of friends reunited because i remember going on his name and there was an announcement from his brother saying he had died there isnt a fisher i havent clicked on to i dont think! sorry i must be doing your head in. x
>Date: 28 Jun 2005 14:39:39 +0100 (BST)
Hi Tina you sound delighted, who was it who died a family friend.
> > > > > > > > >Col xxxx
tina s wrote:
> > > > > > > >no it was family deaths. you know the death coloumn in the echo i just went through the old announcements. and i rememberd seeing ian fishers death on friendreunitd, trust me, ive been like a lunatic for nearly 20yrs trying for info and i know it sounds a bit sad but for that past year i have scoured the net every day looking for possible fishers. what do you think do you think it sounds right what ive found
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > > >Date: 28 Jun 2005 18:18:35 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >Hiya Tina just had a look, so you think the Jimmy and Rita are James & Margaurita so that would make Jimmy your mums brother yes ??? surley if Michael & Isabella were still around they would have put an obituary in or even one of there children they would be in there 30's now.
> > > > > > > >As i always say write it all down incase it is correct, i searched for the marriage of a Fisher and a Jones 1943, 1944 and Jan-March 1945 could not find one in the Liverpool area so that means they married before 1943 so had to have had other children or another child before Isabella was born in 1945.
> > > > > > > >Colette
tina adams wrote:
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Hiya james fisher and mary jones whaere married liverpool 1935 in the obituary for son john who died 19.2.04 it said reuntied with mum and dad james and mary that was put in the echo by his brother and sisters jimmy mary bella and marie, god ive just woke up xx
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > >Date: 29 Jun 2005 19:05:40 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > >Hi Tina i am with you now i never saw that obituary does make sense doesnt it.
> > > > > > >With the Bella and sister Marie the name you got Donna Marie i think you are onto something sherlock.
> > > > > > >Lazy Bonessssssssssssssss
> > > > > > >Colette xxxxxxxxxx
> > > > >Date: 29 Jun 2005 23:53:20 +0100 (BST)
> > > > >
> > > > >Hi Tina god you poor girl your a mess dont worry
> > > > >Get all your bits together in a big file get some of those plastic sleeve things and keep em all together and take a deep breathe from time to time dont lose ya koollllllllllllllllll.
tina wrote:
> > > >
> > > >I think i might of found her!!! Isabella Fisher, 8 xxxxclose, . Allison Byrne, xxxxclose, !!!! mother and daughter.... maybe....
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > >Date: 30 Jun 2005 09:12:50 +0100 (BST)
> > > >Wonder why shes a Fisher though maybe she got divorced and is using her own name again.
> > > >Col xx
>tina adams wrote:
> >
> >Hiya, god i must be proper bugging you! i rekon 1st i have to make sure that james and rita fisher are jimmy a maguerita fisher if they are then its them im going to approach first, he is her brother so i think he is best, her kids might not even know about me, and if she wants them to know that has to be her decision, what do you think ive got an adress and number for jimmy and rita!?? help......xxx
>Subject: RE: Fisher
> >Date: 30 June 2005 21:27:04 +0100 (BST)
> >
> >
> >Hi Ti listen its up to you, you have come along way to find her and i bet there hasnt been a day gone by that she hasnt thourght of you were you are what you are doing and what you look like.
> >She's only human after all but also be prepared to be dissapointed as she may not want to see you but some how i dont think that will happen, aye you never know she may have been looking for you also.
> >I think you should ring Rita and Jimmy and if its them, see what they say i know it will be nerve racking at first but if it gets you to meet your birth mum well worth it.
> >I think you have to do it for yourself or you will go mad.
> >And remember none of this was your fault you were an innocent baby caught up in something ok.......
> >
> >
> >Go for it Colette i am thinking about you xxxxxxxxx
>tina adams wrote:
>
>hiya col, ive just woke up.... all this has turned me into a vampire..hahaha. ye you are right my first call has to be her brother because like i said before she may not have told her kids about me and if she hasnt then i think it should stay that way for them, it would be a giant thing to cope with to suddenly find the mum you thought you knew so well had kept such a big secret all this time,im happy just to know that they exist. i dont believe she has tried to find me cos if she had she would only of had to go to some adoption sites on web and she would of found my details. the most likely hood is she has tried to put it behind her and get on with life... and i dont blame her.... she will probably be as nervous as me and might even be too scared to see me, for all she knows i could be out to destroy her, but im not. It hadnt really hit me before fact that this is going to effect quite a few lives, im scared to death! ive told my kids today... they knew i was looking, but never
> took much notice.... My eldest son just said he will be with me every step of the way and that if she doesnt want to know me then its her loss. My younger son just said, yeh, cool, so long as they arent evertonians! Then comes my daughter ive ended up arguing with her, my kids dad (im divorced from him) was brought up in care, so my kids have only ever had me they have no other family, apart from my adopted mum, who she goes to see once a year she is on cloud nine and keeps saying "ive got a real nan" and proper auntys and uncles. Ive had to tell her that right now and maybe forever, they are nothing to her or me, but i cant get that through to her, she loves everyone in life and would open her arms to the bin man if she could....you know the sort.... ive lost count of how many stray animals she has brought home over the years. She is going to be my biggest problem through all this, i just know it! questions question god ive gone on a bit havent i....hahaha... til lata xxxx

tina wrote:
>
>Cheers collette, have a brilliant holiday hope its nice and hot. i went to bodrum 2yrs ago, had a great time. yes you have to get in touch when you get back...... i might of plucked up courage to of done something by then!!!!. Collette I will never be able to thank you enough for your help, it is the biggest thing anyone has ever done for me and without sounding like a creepy freek, I will keep you in my heart forever. xxxxxx
25 July 2005 07.30
tina adams wrote:
Colette, hiya hope you had a fab holiday.guess what...... my real mum and sisters and brother are coming to see me today!!!!!!! tinaxx
Sent :

25 July 2005 08:5
To :
tina
Tinaaaaaaaaaa brilliant news tell me more did you ring her brother oh give us the gossip was she pleased you found her sounds like it.
I am so happy for you.
Yes i had a fab holiday i love Turkey the people are great and such a lively place.

Dont keep me in suspendersssssssssssssssssss
Col xxxxxxx

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email discoveries june 2005  

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

I went through some old emails today. They were sent between me and Colette, a girl I had got to know through my search. The emails dated between June 14th 2005 and July 12th 2005.

Colette was a member of a genealogy site that I joined. I must of been a member of every adoption and genealogy site on the web. She had seen one of my post asking if any one had any information about my real mum. All I knew at that point was her name and a rough Idea of the area she had lived in. Oh and I had her marriage certificate that someone else had got hold of for me.
I had already been through all the electoral registers and drew a blank. Colette emailed me to say she couldn't find any records of my mum but she had come across a mans name at various addresses over the past few years who could well be her husband. I'm not sure why but at some point we came to the conclusion that they must be divorced. Over the course of the next week the emails flew between us.
The most recent address we had for this man who had to be her husband (in my mind, anyway) was in Bootle. Colette actually lived in the same area!
We still hadn't found anything on my mum and Colette emailed me on June21st with a question. Did I think she might be dead. Yeh, I did. I had thought it for the past week. I'm not sure how I felt because at that point I still didn't know the full truth behind my adoption. I still thought she had dumped me at 10 days old and that was it. So I never was looking for a relationship, I had always thought that whatever her reasons they were right for her at the time and I had no right to intrude into her life.
I decided I was going to write to her husband, with any luck even if they had had a nasty divorce he might have a heart and tell me about her and maybe give me a photo. The next 3 days Colette and her sister kept an eye on the address we had, hoping to see him. I wasn't going to write if he looked like a murderer! They had no luck, it was a house made into flats so there were lots of people coming and going. I tried to persuade her to knock the door and pretend to be a market researcher but she was having none of it!
June 27th. Michael G. Byrne of the said address was not my mums husband. He was her son. My brother. Colette had been to the records office looking for a death certificate and came away with a birth certificate. Two days later she went back and came away with the birth certificates of my two sisters. It had never entered my head that I might have brothers or sisters. July 12th I learned my mum was alive and well and had an address for her.
Why should I or any other human being have to do shit like that and discover like that who they are. That was my family I was discovering, my birth right, part of ME!

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To Make Me Whole  

Monday, 24 September 2007

th_baby-2
I need to know
From where I came
What made me so?

Something is missing
It’s not in my mind
A life times search
My core to find

I knew I was different
Not like the rest
As a growing child
Felt second best

Their eyes were blue
Mine were green
A constant reminder
Of what might have been

A walk to school
Faces to scan
She might have been there...
I should have ran

Scared lonely nights
My dreams came alive
I’d made her so real...
But she failed to arrive

It never goes away
That need to find
It’s the core of my soul...
The key to my mind.

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They call it education  

If any of you are wondering how we should be educating kids about adoption, look no further than the adoption clubhouse. The Adoption Clubhouse is designed, authored and formatted by adoption professionals (how scary is that!) I don't know how I ended up at this wealth of advice adoption site but I know I couldn't leave easily. I was gripped. Every now and again I had to go back and double check that I had really read the words professionals.The site is mainly aimed at young adopted kids. Great I thought, at last, somewhere for them to go and perhaps get some real and honest answers.

I have to admit I laughed my head off at some of what I was reading. I had to laugh because if I didn't I would of cried. Here are some of the 'positive' adoption words that are encouraged. BIRTH parents -My Son/Daughter - International Adoption - Child from Abroad - Was Adopted. Here are some negative' adoption words. Adopted Child - Foreign Adoption - Foreign Child - Is Adopted -. So it is positive to say a child WAS adopted but it is negative to say a child IS adopted. May be they mean the child WAS adopted but now that child is no more because it has been reinvented!
The site has an advice section to help deal with those awkward questions school friends might ask. The main thing it seems is to not only answer but to educate at the same time. So question: have you met your real parents? educate yes i live with my real parents perhaps you are referring to my birth parents. Question: Why didn't your real mother want you? Some moms are too young to keep their babies.
This part of the site was my favourite. If a child feels odd or different because of adoption just tell them about the animal kingdom.There are documented cases of pigs and dogs adopting and nursing kittens, of mother cats nurturing puppies and baby skunks, and even one case of a bird mothering a turtle and another mama dog taking care of a baby bird. Aaarh, almost warms the heart doesn't it! but the cuckoo story is the best. Cuckoo birds are definitely not cuckoo. They have adapted to their environment in amazing ways! Adult cuckoo birds never have to build nests or raise young. The female lays eggs that look like the eggs of other bird species, and then carries her eggs to those nests. If the "adoptive mother" does not feed the baby cuckoo often enough, the young bird will make different calls to other cuckoo mother birds to come and feed it. German people are so impressed with the clever cuckoo, they carve their images into beautiful wooden clocks called cuckoo clocks. So the next time you feel more different than you want to, think of all of the other adopted people in the world and the adopted animals. Adoption is a great way to build a family, no matter what your species. There everyone feeling better now. How could you possibly feel odd after hearing rubbish like that haha.
The site also boasts an adoption dictionary. Explanations to the most common adoption related words. After seeing the first word was ADD Attention Deficit Disorder I decided enough was enough! I wonder if I would still be as fucked up if I had had the wisdom of such a web site when I was a child!

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You can't always have what you want!  

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

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My name is Donna 1974  

I am finding all this harder than I thought it would be. The more I try and go back over the years, the more my emotions go array. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

The truth, that's all I ever wanted. I didn't want the perfect story or tales of being the chosen one (just as well!). I just wanted MY story, nothing else, just the truth. I was about nine or ten when I discovered the first bit of evidence, evidence doesn't seem the right word, but cant think of another way to say it. My amum and adad had gone out. They would go to Bing three or four nights a week leaving me and my sister at home. My favourite pass time was 'rooting'. I used to root everywhere. I didn't even know what I was looking for, I just knew there was something to find. I had never managed to get into the bottom of my amums wardrobe before it was usually locked. She has a couple of times showed us photos that she kept in a box there, they were special times. It didn't take long before I was on the floor surrounded by lots of papers and other boring stuff. I had got it all out just to have to put it all back and for nothing. Then I found it. I don't know what it was, I just thought it was about me. The name on it was Donna Marie ####### it also had another name on it. I was convinced that it was about me and my real mum. I quickly put everything back and hoped I wouldn't get found out. After a few weeks I couldn't keep it in any longer so I remember coming out with some rubbish to my amum about seeing something that had the names on it and I asked her who it was. She had never heard of them and didn't know what I was going on about. I don't remember much else about it. I know there was lots of ranting and raving but not much else. The bottom of her wardrobe was emptied and I never saw the boxes again. I had used to pretend my name was Donna when I was very small so seeing the name in black and white confused me. I was being told I had imagined it (even though it was burnt into my head). My amum wouldn't lie to me, nothing made sense. Although The names on the paper stuck with me I did eventually wonder if I had (along with many other things) imagined it. My amum said years later that I had probably imagined finding something because I had wanted to so much. At the age of twenty seven My Social Worker sat me down and he didn't have to say a word. I knew. I had spent forever trying to find out about myself with no luck. Then I decided to risk being called mad again and told my social worker about my 'fantasies'. Fantasies that had put me into a psychiatric hospital at the age of fourteen for over a year. My name was Donna Marie and the other name was my real mum. I had spent all my life thinking I was weird and watching everything I said to people so they wouldn't know I was strange and all along my so called weirdness were just memories.

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Landmark human rights battle by mum of six backed by campaigning MP - Local News - News - Liverpool Echo.co.uk  

Tuesday, 18 September 2007

 

Landmark human rights battle by mum of six backed by campaigning MP

Sep 17 2007 by Mary Murtagh, Liverpool Echo

A MERSEYSIDE mum is making legal history by going to the European courts to get back her baby daughter, who was taken away and adopted.

In 2005, Pauline Goodwin, 39, had her three-day-old daughter taken away by social services.

She has not seen her baby girl in 15 months and has since been told that she was adopted.

Ms Goodwin said her fight to get her daughter back had been held up for more than a year because she was never given a copy of vital court paperwork to allow her appeal.

Now the Halewood mum-of-six is taking her case to the European Court of Human Rights in a groundbreaking case backed by a campaigning MP.

She said: “When they took her away, I made a promise to myself that I would never give up on getting her back.

“Part of me is missing, because she is gone. My other children keep asking about her because there is a big gap in our family. It is terrible she isn’t here – she needs to come back home.”

Ms Goodwin has five other children and, when her marriage broke down in 2003, she had a breakdown.

She initially welcomed social services help, but never dreamt it would lead to her children being taken into care in February 2004.

Ms Goodwin was told it was because her home was messy and her children had missed school and medical appointments.

Social workers also claimed they had received anonymous reports about them being ill-treated or neglected.

Ms Goodwin said her children were always loved and well cared for.

Because her other children were in care, Ms Goodwin feared the same fate awaited her sixth child when she fell pregnant.

She was born in June, 2005. Three days later, Knowsley council went to court and the baby was taken into care.

At first, Ms Goodwin and her older children were allowed regular visits, but contact dwindled as the local authority prepared to put the baby up for adoption.

A few days after her first birthday, the baby was placed with adoptive parents.

Ms Goodwin said: “If I had been convicted of child abuse or I was an alcoholic or had a criminal record, then I would understand. But I didn’t deserve this.

“I’ve been told that my chances in the European courts are good. It could set a precedent and I hope it does. I am taking on social services, the government and the judges, but I have to for my daughter.”

Ms Goodwin intends to apply to the court to have her older children, who are in care, returned to the family home.

MP John Hemming campaigns on forced adoption as chairman of Families for Justice.

He said: “Ms Goodwin’s case is the tip of the iceberg. There are a lot of professionals messing up parents’ lives. There are some very odd things happening in Liverpool family courts.”

A spokeswoman for Knowsley Council said: “It would be inappropriate for the council to comment at this stage.”

Concern at court powers

CAMPAIGNERS claim babies and young children are put up for forced adoption at an alarming rate.

When Ms Goodwin’s baby was taken into care there were three other mums losing newborns that week.

Beverley Beech, of the Association for Improvements in the Maternity Services, said: “This is not the first time I have heard stories like these. It is legalised kidnapping.

“The whole system conspires against parents. Forced adoptions are rife because families are stuck with lawyers who do not defend them properly, and social workers who take action ahead of proper legal authority.

“It is an outrage. We have courts sitting in secret. The general public wouldn’t believe this is going on in Britain today.”

Leading family law solicitor Sarah Harman said: “People don’t know what goes on in our family courts. There is a complete lack of transparency because judgements are not reported and families are forbidden from talking about cases.”

Infant taken as mum recovered from birth

HELEN Brown (not her real name) had her nine-day-old baby girl taken as she lay in hospital recovering from childbirth.

Fifteen months on, the tot is earmarked for adoption.

But Helen, who has already lost two sons through adoption, has taken her case to London’s Court of Appeal after learning how to appeal against a court order on the internet.

Legally unrepresented, Helen spoke to top family judge, Lord Justice Ward, for 20 minutes to explain why she ought to be allowed to keep her baby girl.

Helen, in her late 20s and from Knowsley, is still waiting to hear whether she will be allowed to challenge the care order.

She said: “I love my kids and I am doing this for the sake of my daughter. I promised myself I would never give up the fight.

“I was so scared going to London to appear in court. It was just me and the judge, who listened to what I had to say.

“He could see I wasn’t a scumbag who didn’t care about her kids. There is a bond between me and my sons and daughter that no one can break.”

Baby Caroline was born last summer, but Helen knew social workers were waiting to take the baby.

Helen suffers from emotional problems, which make her agitated, angry and emotional. Social workers feared they would lead to her neglecting her children.

She is now keen to undergo psychotherapy and said her problems did not stop her from being a good mother.

For the past two years, Helen has had a permanent address, a partner and a full-time job.

She is a qualified first aider and been awarded work-related qualifications.

Helen is allowed to send one letter a year to her sons, now aged four and seven. The pair were adopted together; she has not seen them for four years.

She said: “In the best interests of my sons, I have decided not to challenge their adoptions. They are too far down the road in their new lives.

“The only way I can come to terms with it is to remember they are beautiful and thriving where they are. I know they have a good life and everything they want.

“But it is not too late for my baby daughter.”

A spokeswoman for Knowsley council said they could not comment on the case to protect individuals involved and because of possible legal proceedings.

Landmark human rights battle by mum of six backed by campaigning MP - Local News - News - Liverpool Echo.co.uk

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AAaarrhh!  

Friday, 14 September 2007

Dogs who would have em...

I lost all my blogs today and I am struggling to get them back. One of my dogs decided to give me a hug, jumped straight on my keyboard and... blog gone!! All I ever seem to do lately is moan, ha ha.

Anyway if and when I sort things I will get down to some serious blogging. If anyone can help me sort my blog out I would love them forever, well, at least for a day. Bye bye for now.

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Placements  

Thursday, 13 September 2007

Another door
Another bed
Papers to shuffle
Go rest your head...



Another day
Another place
Another child
A different face

Long-term short term
Hard to place
Forget the name
Another case

Targets budgets
Paid to cope
Another home
Give words of hope

Childhood lives
Lost in wait
Reasons for change
In the welfare state

Just a little poem of reality.

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Adopt a Donkey  

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Is it just me or...

does anyone else get pissed off when searching for adoption related things. I reckon there is more information about adopting dogs, cats and donkeys than there is relating to human adoption issues.

Perhaps I'm just a miserable moaning sod! I don't want to adopt a dog or cat and I aint got room for a donkey. I want the latest information for UK forced Adoptions!
I spent the weekend browsing (out of sheer nosiness) to see what adoption groups or blogs I could find out there. If I didn't know what I already know I would be convinced the world of adoption is a planet full of happy shiny people. One forum (I nearly joined just to take the piss!) had a ten page discussion amongst members who were waiting to adopt, on what names they had chosen for the future child! Live Spaces and Face Book AaaaRH!!

Ive just got my moaning head on today. Think I might check out adopting a donkey after all. What do you think to the name Ned?

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Hair colour 1972/73  

Saturday, 8 September 2007

It is only since finding my family that everything in my life fell into place. You hear people say ‘the light went on’; it was floodlights in my case. Although I have an understanding now of why certain things happened, it isn’t easy sharing events with a key board.

It didn’t hurt and I’m not sure I can explain it. The smell, it stung my nose and eyes but no, it didn’t hurt. 1972/73 or there about. My adoptive mum was dying my hair over the bath. I was excited at first, it seemed so grown up. My hair was going to be the same colour as my sisters. My ‘sister’ is their natural daughter; she is eighteen months older than I am. I say sister, and I always will. Don’t ask me why I don’t think of her as my adoptive sister, because that is something I don’t understand myself. I just know in my head and heart she is my sister and I would kill for her.

Everything had been fine; I had sat for what seemed like ever with smelly stuff on my hair. I must have played half a dozen games with my amum and ate at least two packs of biscuits until it was time to wash it off. Amum didn’t want me to get any dye in my eyes so she had dug out a pair of rubber goggles. It was hysterical because I couldn’t hold them on for laughing. They were supposed to go over my head but of course, she wouldn’t have been able to wash my hair if I wore them properly.

I hadn’t noticed my adad come in; I just know something was wrong. My amum wrapped a towel around my head and rushed me into the bedroom. I could hear them arguing but not what they were saying. Mostly I could hear my amum crying or rather screeching. I don’t know how long it went on for it wasn’t long though. I had climbed onto the back of the settee (my favourite spot) and adad was brushing my hair. I just remember my amum ripping the brush out of his hand and literally screaming that I had done it on purpose. Done what?

It didn’t make sense; my amum was saying I was doing it to annoy her. Doing what? She was crying and shaking asking me why? I must have got scared or something because I know my adad picked me up and took me out in the car. It wasn’t long after that my amum got poorly (that’s what I was told) and had to stay in hospital for a bit.

The dye incident was never an issue, in fact over the years we often laughed about it. I never asked why it happened or what it was all about. I hadn’t given that day a thought for at least fifteen years. In 2005, I opened my front door and there was my real family. I was seeing them for the first time. If you had put me in a room with a thousand people and told, someone to pick what family I belonged to they would have pointed to my real family. There was no mistaking it. I was not only my mum’s double but also my two sisters were the living image of me. My hair dye jumped into my head like an electric shock (I’m dramatic I know ha-ha) but that’s how it was. It all made sense. I had up until the age of seven had blue eyes and blonde hair just like my afamily. My eyes changed to green and my hair is almost black.

My amum didn’t want anyone to know I was adopted. People often used to make jokes about my hair. Was I the milkman’s was the usual question? My adad just used to laugh but looking back my amum would end up having one of her funny turns (that’s what we used to call moods). I have worked through it in my head now. I think she felt everything she had done to get me was for nothing if people found out I wasn’t theirs. When she was having her breakdowns, she had decided in her head that I was changing deliberately to spite her.

Any one reading this will automatically think what a horrible person, because I know I would think that just reading it. She wasn’t a horrible person; she was just a scared woman with mental health issues.

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Adoption CyberWorld  

Discovering the world forums quite possibly saved my sanity. The internet was until early 2004 alien to me. I had to ask the kids how to turn the computer on so you can imagine how bad my computer skills were.

I was the source of my kid’s amusement for a few months of my internet initiation. They 'helped' me to set up email and other user accounts, which I thought was good of them. It didn't take long to realise they were taking the 'p' out of me. I was suddenly a member of three on-line dating agencies, a Harry Potter fan site and not to mention all the gothic vampire sites! The final straw was armchair bob. Yeh, armchair bob. I had apparently subscribed to him, sort of like a virtual husband only without the ability to knee him where it hurts.

The time had come to admit my ignorance and get help from a friend. Kids banished from the house we began. My god I couldn’t believe what was out there or how easy it all really was! The kids would have to look elsewhere for entertainment from now on.

Typing the word adoption into the search box opened up a completely new world to me. I quickly came across some forums. Some of the forums where a bit dodgy to say the least but mostly they were made up of people just like me. Ok, everyone had their own story but in one way, another adoption, or the care system had affected their lives.

I joined four or five forums, mostly adoption but one or two that were set up for kids that had been in care (my reason for joining will become clear over time). For the first time in my life, I started to open up about my adoption and childhood. I ran away from my hometown at sixteen and had never spoken about my past to anyone. Obviously, being anonymous helped but it soon became clear that these people in my cyber world were more than just 'people'. They were individuals who not only understood each other but they actually care about people.

I don’t think I would of found my family without the help of the people (now my friends) using the forums. If I were feeling like shit (common side effect), there would always be someone who understood or put things into perspective for me. I soon learnt how to do look ups and where to find information from that would help in my search. It's all about helping each other.

For me and I suspect a lot of adoptees cyberspace is the only place I can be completely honest about my feelings. In the 'real' world, it is much easier to say nothing at all. Walking on eggshells is an understatement. If I was to say how I really feel to the different people in my life, I think it would cause a global meltdown! I often play out the conversations in my head but that is where they will have to stay.

When it comes to my childhood or adoption, I have a real problem with guilt and not wanting to hurt people’s feelings. I would never be able to tell my real mum how much it hurt or affected me not having her in my life. I could never tell her how confused and mixed up my feelings still are. I could list a hundred more things I could never tell her, all for the same reason. I wouldn’t want to hurt her. Is that just me or is it an 'adoption' thing. I would love to hear how it is for others. Oh, thank god for the world of cyber and forums!

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Madonna -Adoption farce  

Thursday, 6 September 2007

So Madonna's publicist has declared that her adoption dream is still on track. What a mockery...

Last year the celeb trend was little bony dogs that would fit in a hand bag and wear pretty pink diamond collars. Wow have things moved on. The battle of the celeb status has reached new heights. To be in the running the accessory must be alive. The more remote the ethnic background the bigger the status.

Her chances of adopting baby 'David' should of been stopped the minute she took him from his home country. The Hague convention for the protection of children was put into place to stop baby trafficking and the sale of babies. So why aren't the laws been put into force.

Inter-country adoption can mean the difference between life and death for some children. You only have to see a documentary about the dying rooms in china to know that. That doesn't mean you can just go and pick one. The law is that you have to be approved in this country through the adoption agency procedure before you can even approach the other country. Madonna brought a child into this country illegally and not a damn thing has been done about it.

What the f#c# is that all about! She says she fell in love with the child and wants to raise him as her own and his future will be bright, OK, maybe not her exact words, but along those lines. Bollocks! If she really meant that then the money that it will cost her to raise the lad why wouldn't she give that to the child's family. The money would probably raise his whole village and provide a better future for a generation of kids like him.

I'm fascinated to see what the next Celeb accessory is going to be. I just hope for the poor kids sake it isn't white middle class children or designer cats!

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Adoption File  

Wednesday, 5 September 2007


I finally received my adoption file in 1994. When I was handed it I went through every emotion possible. Shock and disbelief were two emotions that refused to go away.

I don't know what shocked me more, learning that my childhood 'imaginary' name was actually the name I was given at birth or how little information there was in it. The two page questionnaire held no surprises or the torn bit of paper (which fell apart while I tried to scan it!). They read pretty much as my adoptive family had told me. I had been handed over to them at ten days of age by my real mum. I wasn't to find out for another eleven years that my afamily with the help of my real mums brother had lied to social services.

The file also contained a yellow form that had my birth name on it and my real mums name on it, along with date of birth. The form was to be sent off to the Registrar General at Southport and they would then send my birth certificate to me!! Now this is where, if you didn't already think I was a bit mad in the head, you will definitely think I am now. I couldn't part with that yellow form. It was the only thing I had ever had or seen that told me who I was. It also had my mums name on it. I cant explain how amazing that felt.

I photo copied the form and sent it off to Southport only to have it returned with a letter stating they could only except original forms. I was gutted. If it was to get lost in the post I would never ever have that confirmation again of who I was. I did warn you all that I'm a bit mad! The logical thing would of been to just keep the photo copy and send the original. YES!! I know! but I couldn't, I had waited nearly thirty years to have an identity I was scared stiff of losing it again. I hate thinking about just how desperate I felt at that time. Makes me feel a bit a sad freak to be honest, but hey fuck it I wanted a mum and needed a mum. I wanted to be loved.

I didn't part with my yellow form for over six years. The year 2000 I sent it off and got my birth certificate. here is how the powers that be summed up my birth. My adoption was little more than a clerical error at birth!


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16 November 2006 11:48:08 PM Diary  

Friday, 31 August 2007

I can’t sleep again; my head just won’t switch off. It's been nearly a year since I found my mum, sisters, and brother and it's been 3 week since I found and met my dad’s son David.

My 22 years of searching for family is over now but I still have the truth to deal with.

My head is so full of mixed and jumbled feelings that I have decided to write this diary. I hope that'. I'll be able to look back at this one day and know it was all worth it.

I’ve been thinking none stop about David all week. When I met him 3 weeks ago, it was dead weird, I had never ever thought I might have family on my dad’s side that would want to see me never mind want to have a relationship with me.

I hadn't felt emotional when I met David, I had seen it as just getting to know details about my dad, who I'd always thought had denied me when I was a baby. I was gobsmacked when real mum confessed to me the morning I met him that actually my dad didn’t know about me.

I drove back to Liverpool with David but wasn’t sure what to think. He told me that our dad had suffered many strokes and his mind was going too. He has altzhimers, which shocked me, but I didn’t know how to feel.

David dropped me at Ally’s and even though he said he wanted to get to know me, I don’t think I expected to see him again. He turned up at Ally’s the next day and as I jumped in his car, I felt completely different. I can’t explain it but I just felt at ease with him and I wanted to be with him.

Over the next week, my head just exploded with everything. For the first time in my life, I wanted a dad, my dad. I can’t bear to think of him as he is. David gave me photos of him and I just look at them and cry. I know that because of his health we will never get the chance to be father and daughter.

I was angry with real mum for not telling me the truth and felt it was her fault it was too late for us. I know I was wrong to think that and if I’m honest I can understand why she lied to him and never told me. It doesn’t matter now because it's in the past.

I've felt like shit all week because I had started to think David had changed his mind about me. I feel a prat saying it but just because he hadn’t, rang me Id started to feel a fool for even hoping he would. Anyway I sent him a text, couldn’t ring in case he made an excuse not to speak to me! That would have killed me. He rang me back about an hour later and he was fine. He has just been busy with work and sorting nursing home out for his dad.

I'm finding it so hard sometimes. I have always been secure in myself but not anymore. Sometimes I get a knot so tight in my belly because I'm so scared everyone will disappear. Oh, well I’m crying now, always do when I admit how I really feel, so hopefully I will be able to fall asleep.

Update – I have not seen or heard off David since then.

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