Who's House

Since Christmas I have thrown myself into the EU adoption site I set up with Mariana from illegal adoptions Greece I had hoped that my own situation would become something to let go of and put down to experience, that hasn't happened. The memories still keep bombarding me with no sense to them. I found it too painful writing this blog before but it did put a few things into order for me so here goes... round two.

Who's house was it? I know now it wasn't my real mums, so who's? We went after school one night, I know that because I remember wearing a green knitted cardigan so I must have been in junior school. Again I wanted to know about my mum and again I was told not to get upset but she didn't want me and she couldn't give a damn about me.

The next day you took me out of school early. In the car you told me we were going to see my mum. I don't remember how I felt. I can picture the house as though it was yesterday. The front door opened into the living room. It had red lino on the floor (think that's what it was called) and a window both sides of the door. There was a wooden table that wobbled under one window, I sat there with a boy painting. It was a magic painting book. You just dipped the paint brush in water and the colours came on the page (god why cant' everything be that easy). The woman (she wasn't my mum) had a beehive hair style though I haven't a clue what she looked like or who she was. You must have told me something about her, even if just to explain why we were at her house. A bit later (not sure how long) I was told my mum wasn't coming and we left. The woman gave me a tiny tears doll (which my niece now has) and the foot had been chewed on it.

All the way home I kept hearing 'told you she couldn't be bothered' 'you should have listened' 'its your own fault' (meaning my crying). I don't think I ever asked to see my mum after that. My mum knew nothing about it (I know now). Who's house was it, woman, who were you. All I am sure of is whoever she was she wasn't on my adop mums list of hate. I know because she didn't take tiny tears away from me. I don't even know if over the years I ever asked about the lady who gave me my doll, I probably did because I loved my tiny tears and a child would ask wouldn't they?

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Purpose and Reason

At the end of the last year I was ready to give up. Not kill myself. Just give up. I was sick of how I was feeling, I was hurting proper bad. My eating disorder had come back with a vengeance and I just felt alone and stupid.

I don't think I will ever get over the fact that people who supposedly loved me convinced me 100% that I was borderline schizophrenic rather than be honest with me and also allow me to keep what where in fact memories. I often have to stop and remind myself that I am not nuts and that people are not noticing that I am (hard to explain). Christmas gave me a much needed wake up call. My daughter had asked me what her friend had said when she called at the house few days earlier. I couldn't remember word for word but told her she was going to call again on xmas day.Ten minutes later my daughter came back in and asked me if I was sure that she had said xmas day. That was it. My head started working over time. Questions, questions, questions. Had she said xmas day or had i imagined it. As quick as I went into 'disguise my panic' mode I was snapped back out of it... By my daughter. 'mum switch ya head off cos ya not mad she probably did say that'.What a fuck up! My own daughter having to remind me I'm not mad (or ever was). That's just not right. My weight was 6st 1lb I cried more than I smiled and instead of time healing me it was consuming me. Why, What for? A past I can never change. I know I wont be able to control those lapses in believing in myself over night, God I have lived since I was 16 trying to avoid people from noticing and knowing I was mad , in fact I had done such a good job of it people thought I was really level headed and had my head screwed on! fuck me though I did, I just didn't know it. However much it hurts sometimes the fact is I will never get justice and I will never have my childhood back,The two things I need. Looking at it like that tells me I am null and void because if there is a purpose to life then my purpose was a red herring and my wounds wont heal till my reason for being and purpose touch. I don't want to be null OR void. I want to be someone. I'm not asking to be any one special, just someone. Me. I just want to be me. Valid. I'm not going to give up because there is a purpose,guarded by government but a real purpose. My purpose has to be this:- The hope and possibility for healthier and happier minds for today's kids. I want politicians to start waking up and realise what pain they are storing up for our kids and actually listen and hear and above all understand that WE are the living breathing result of their false beliefs and mistakes of the past. Let them try and tell me that my hurt and the hurt of every misplaced, separated abused or mistreated child of their past is not important enough to learn from and to change. My reason:- Validation for all the children that cry inside us.

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Cheered Me UP

I have been surfing the net most of the day, nothing unusual there haha... Oh... but there was! I came across something that has had me bursting out laughing ever since...

Now I have know idea who wrote this I found it on the front page of link
Family Pages. Here goes, this is it.

CHILDREN

Some would gather money, along the path of life,
Some would gather roses, and rest from earthly strife.
But I would gather children, from among the thorns of sin,
I would seek that shining curl, and a shy, bright toothless grin.
For money cannot enter, the land of endless day,
and roses that are gathered in, will wilt along the way.

But oh,the laughing children,whose hearts have been set free;
when the gate swings wide to heaven,
I can take them in with me!

Sorry I am still laughing. It has struck me that maybe it's me... Maybe I am more twisted than the author! The name of the site 'forever families' (I went to it thinking it was a humorous adoptee blog) misled me (not a hard thing to do) but I quickly realised it is serious. I couldn't get past the front page for fear of wetting myself! So I know I am not supposed to find it funny. I take adoption matters very serious. In adoptee city the majority of us have a wicked sense of humour but their is an unwritten rule (not sure that's the right term... it will do) fellow adoptees can make jokes about adoption and we just 'get it' if the same thing was said in a light hearted way by a none adoptee a siren goes off in our heads! and we are genuinely offended, I'm saying we but I could well be more delusional than I think! Normally I would be highly offended to read that any child was thought of as having been scooped up from the gutter. I'm laughing again. Do people really think 'arh that's lovely' after reading such drivel haha. Please someone anyone, I don't even care if you are madder than me, please tell me you found it funny.
I have printed it off and hung it on my wall. Whenever I find myself getting too serious and deflated about adoption I will just read the poem.

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EU Citizens Exploit Children

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Starting the year with hope.

Well, Xmas and New Year are out the way now. I survived! Hope everyone had a lovely time. I have decided that this year I am going to try and do something positive with all this adoption crap that surrounds me. I still have along way to go when it comes to finding peace with my own story. I started to Blog as a way of trying to make sense of everything....

Going over things brought feelings of hurt I never thought possible. It was alot easier to get side tracked with other aspects of adoption and ignore the real reason for my blog. The few events I have managed to write down have though in there own way helped. I am starting to get a bit of a time line on events, something I think I need to do.

I am going to get back on track and write and make sense of things (a bigger picture usually helps). Call it my personal therapy, get it all out in cyber space haha. My own circumstances have lead me to looking deeper into the whole adoption industry, I say industry because that is exactly what it is. What I have come across has disturbed me. So much so that I cannot ignore it. I have started another blog http://adaptingmyidentity.blogspot.com/ concentrating mainly on our UK family Courts and forced adoption issues. I am also joining forces with Mariana from illegal adoptions Greece in the hope of bringing EU adoption issues into the open. Ben Needhams abduction from Greece is just one example of corruption unchallenged.

Anyway I hope 2008 will be the year that sees some change in adoption reforms God knows we need them!

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