Showing posts with label time line. Show all posts
Keep Ben in the News
Touched by Adoption
Dont ask stupid questions
Letter of Contact
Thursday, 25 October 2007
I had a few possible address's for the person who could be my mum. I also had pages and pages of people with same surnames that I had decided could be possible family members. I was considering writing to all the addresses that could be my mums when out the blue my friend emailed me to say she had found birth records of three possible siblings, oh fuck it, that's not a word I say! two sisters and a brother.
I couldn't write direct to my mum knowing that she had kids. I hadn't even thought of sisters and brothers but I assumed that she would of never told them about me. She had ran off when I was just 10 days old and never had contact since (so I had been told) So why would she tell her kids.
I needed to start connecting all the people I had collected. I started to do a sort of family tree. When I had a rough tree I started going through all the local obituary columns. I thought when a family member dies its pretty normal to put an announcement in the local paper with funeral details saying loving bro/sis of whoever and loving son of. You know the thing. Anyway in the middle of the second night searching I found it! An obituary from 2002 saying loving brother to and devoted son to and loved uncle of... Everyone on my tree was mentioned, including my mum and sisters and brother. I finally knew I had the right family, a big family at that!
I narrowed it down to her brother and his wife (they had lived in same house for 15 yrs according to the electoral register) So that's who I wrote to. I lost count of how many pages I scribbled out. I didn't have a clue how to start it, but this is how it went. I told them my name and when I was born and said I thought their sister was my mum. I said I didn't want to contact her direct because of her family. That I didn't want to intrude into her life, but could I have a photo of her and maybe a letter. If I'm 100% honest I expected a reply saying she had moved on with her life and she didn't want contact. I was ready for that, I had only ever been told the story of her running off. I desperately wanted a photo though.
Within a week of sending the letter my whole family had travelled 120 miles and landed on my doorstep.
November 1985
Tuesday, 9 October 2007
Quite possibly the most magical night of my life. Why? It was the night I gave birth to my first son. I must of lay staring at him for most of the night.
Nothing could have prepared me for the overwhelming love I felt for him. While I was pregnant I had all the romantic ideas of what my, I suppose I should say our, baby was going to be like. She was going to be gorgeous, only she turned out to be a he!
Nothing could have prepared me for the overwhelming love I felt for him. While I was pregnant I had all the romantic ideas of what my, I suppose I should say our, baby was going to be like. She was going to be gorgeous, only she turned out to be a he!
From the second I clapped eyes on him I knew that this must be what it feels like to love some one. The next day as he lay asleep in my arms I thought for the first time ever 'how could someone give their baby away'. I just thought, what a bitch to give a baby away, really what I meant was how could my mum of given me away!
I must of cried for the next 2 days, I couldn't tell anyone why I was crying, no one in my new life knew I was adopted, so It was put down to the baby blues. I made the decision then that I wouldn't give up till I found my mum. Before that time I had never once thought in that way, I had always thought that what ever reason my mum had me adopted was the right reason for her at the time. I have never thought it since then either. I just count my self lucky to have had my kids beside me and could never imagine the pain of losing any of them.
Red door
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
It was a shop, that much never left me. The shop was on a long street, a street of houses though, not your typical row of shops (well typical of where I lived).
I knew the shop really well, I even knew my way around it, in my head I did anyway. It was a funny angled shape, its door wasn't on the front, it was sort of on the side. Imagine a square and you slice the corner off, that's where the door was.
I remember I used to sit on top of big hessian sacks of potatoes in the back of the shop while the adults drank cups of tea in the front. It was always cold in there and smelt of onions!
The outside of the shop had red pointed railings that pulled across the door of a night and fastened with a pad lock. I always remembered the step (I know, weird!). The step was shiny and dipped in the middle where it had been worn away and it was slippy!
Having something that vivid in your head either had to be real or you must be slightly mad. Well no one could tell me how I knew the shop. I asked dozens of times over the years and always heard the same thing, 'you've imagined it'. When I was about ten I must of been going on about it again and my sister who was two years older than me said she remembered it and said the shop was Josie's. I'm not sure how it went but I know it only took a few words from my adoptive mum to convince my sister she was wrong and had been thinking of somewhere else.
When I was 25 I was going through a rough time, It isn't easy to explain, but here goes; I had spent most of my childhood being told I was imagining things that I believed I was. Believing it was my imagination didn't stop the thoughts I had though so obviously I did think I was crazy.
I had ran away from my home town at sixteen and in a way reinvented my self.No one knew me or knew I was a bit mad and that's how I wanted to keep it. I never spoke about my past ever, just in case they guessed I was a bit mad. I did a good job of acting normal, well, normalish, having an eating disorder is a bit harder to hide! Every now and again though my crazy thoughts would appear and it was getting harder to ignore.
Back to when I was 25, the red shop came back with avengance. I had been put on anti-depressants (didn't mention my thoughts to doctor) and had started to feel I was losing the plot. I knew if I found the shop with the red door I would be ok. I would know I wasn't going mad again. I arranged for a friend to pick my son up from nursery the next day and have him over night. I dropped my son off and got the train to Liverpool.
I went to every area of Liverpool that I knew as a child, nothing. I got the last train back home. I must of cried for the hour and a half journey home. I had been convinced I would find it and everything would make sense. I just wanted to get my son and shut myself in the house. I got to my friends and my son was fast asleep it was obvious I had been crying (god, forgive me but I had lied to my mate and said I was going to a family funeral) so she convinced me to stay the night with her. A month later I had what they said was a nervous breakdown. A complete shock to all my friends because they had always seen me as a strong person.
The second time I met my real family was in Liverpool. I had found them two weeks earlier and had gone to stay with them for a couple of weeks. I stayed at my real sisters house (though the whole family live in the same street) on the second night we were going through all the family photos and getting to know each other slowly. I told her about the red door but she didn't comment on it.
The next morning she insisted we go and get some fags. We had been in our pyjamas since the night I got there( pigs Yeh! but we had a lot of catching up to do!). We got dressed and she asked if I'd go to the shop while she fed her baby. She said I couldn't get lost because it was only near the bottom of the road. I saw the railings they were blue though not red, I felt physically sick. I walked in bought the fags and left. My sister was standing on her doorstep and she just hugged me. She said she knew straight away what shop I was talking about. The shop is called the sister shop in Peel rd Bootle, I had been born in the next rd. The name my adopted sister had mentioned Josie, was my real mums best friend.
More Email July 2005
Wednesday, 26 September 2007
June and July 2005 were the most exciting and nerve racking days of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. The last e mail sent was the day before my world fell apart. The day before I completely lost who I thought I was.
tina wrote:
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >I think ive made a major break through and if i have i have got nearly all her family!!!! i know its 5 in the morning but im almost positive, so had to mail you!!! i just hope i dont fall asleep (havent been to bed for 2 days) and wake up to find ive just wished it and really ive collected a travelling circus!!!! cant wait to let you know it all cos you will have a better idea as to wether they all fit.... byeeee!!!
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > > > > > >Date: 28 Jun 2005 10:13:42 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > > > >Morning Tina although i bet you are still in bed crazy woman staying up all night, what have you found ????? more children to her and Michael.
> > > > > > > > > > >I only went upto 1972 as you know i still have a few credits so could try 1974 and 1976 maybe as babies are normaly 2 years apart.
> > > > > > > > > > >Or maybe you have already found more kids.
> > > > > > > > > > >Col xx
tina wrote:
> > > > > > > > > >I was just in middle of typing it to you.... hope im not bugging you.... well, i think ive found her entire family! her mum and dad i think are james fisher and mary jones ( the others were proddies) they had john, James, mary, isabella and marie. James their son married Marguarita (rita) and they had, Ian, david, cathy and tricia. their son ian died in sept. 2002 aged 36. John isabella's brother died 19.2.04. aged 62!!! what do you think x
>Date: 28 Jun 2005 10:38:58 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > > > >Hi Tina were did you find all this info...
> > > > > > > > > >Col xx
tina adams . wrote:
> > > > > > > > >oh, yeh and the one who died used to be a member of friends reunited because i remember going on his name and there was an announcement from his brother saying he had died there isnt a fisher i havent clicked on to i dont think! sorry i must be doing your head in. x
>Date: 28 Jun 2005 14:39:39 +0100 (BST)
Hi Tina you sound delighted, who was it who died a family friend.
> > > > > > > > >Col xxxx
tina s wrote:
> > > > > > > >no it was family deaths. you know the death coloumn in the echo i just went through the old announcements. and i rememberd seeing ian fishers death on friendreunitd, trust me, ive been like a lunatic for nearly 20yrs trying for info and i know it sounds a bit sad but for that past year i have scoured the net every day looking for possible fishers. what do you think do you think it sounds right what ive found
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > > >Date: 28 Jun 2005 18:18:35 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >Hiya Tina just had a look, so you think the Jimmy and Rita are James & Margaurita so that would make Jimmy your mums brother yes ??? surley if Michael & Isabella were still around they would have put an obituary in or even one of there children they would be in there 30's now.
> > > > > > > >As i always say write it all down incase it is correct, i searched for the marriage of a Fisher and a Jones 1943, 1944 and Jan-March 1945 could not find one in the Liverpool area so that means they married before 1943 so had to have had other children or another child before Isabella was born in 1945.
> > > > > > > >Colette
tina adams wrote:
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Hiya james fisher and mary jones whaere married liverpool 1935 in the obituary for son john who died 19.2.04 it said reuntied with mum and dad james and mary that was put in the echo by his brother and sisters jimmy mary bella and marie, god ive just woke up xx
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > >Date: 29 Jun 2005 19:05:40 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > >Hi Tina i am with you now i never saw that obituary does make sense doesnt it.
> > > > > > >With the Bella and sister Marie the name you got Donna Marie i think you are onto something sherlock.
> > > > > > >Lazy Bonessssssssssssssss
> > > > > > >Colette xxxxxxxxxx
> > > > >Date: 29 Jun 2005 23:53:20 +0100 (BST)
> > > > >
> > > > >Hi Tina god you poor girl your a mess dont worry
> > > > >Get all your bits together in a big file get some of those plastic sleeve things and keep em all together and take a deep breathe from time to time dont lose ya koollllllllllllllllll.
tina wrote:
> > > >
> > > >I think i might of found her!!! Isabella Fisher, 8 xxxxclose, . Allison Byrne, xxxxclose, !!!! mother and daughter.... maybe....
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > >Date: 30 Jun 2005 09:12:50 +0100 (BST)
> > > >Wonder why shes a Fisher though maybe she got divorced and is using her own name again.
> > > >Col xx
>tina adams wrote:
> >
> >Hiya, god i must be proper bugging you! i rekon 1st i have to make sure that james and rita fisher are jimmy a maguerita fisher if they are then its them im going to approach first, he is her brother so i think he is best, her kids might not even know about me, and if she wants them to know that has to be her decision, what do you think ive got an adress and number for jimmy and rita!?? help......xxx
>Subject: RE: Fisher
> >Date: 30 June 2005 21:27:04 +0100 (BST)
> >
> >
> >Hi Ti listen its up to you, you have come along way to find her and i bet there hasnt been a day gone by that she hasnt thourght of you were you are what you are doing and what you look like.
> >She's only human after all but also be prepared to be dissapointed as she may not want to see you but some how i dont think that will happen, aye you never know she may have been looking for you also.
> >I think you should ring Rita and Jimmy and if its them, see what they say i know it will be nerve racking at first but if it gets you to meet your birth mum well worth it.
> >I think you have to do it for yourself or you will go mad.
> >And remember none of this was your fault you were an innocent baby caught up in something ok.......
> >
> >
> >Go for it Colette i am thinking about you xxxxxxxxx
>tina adams wrote:
>
>hiya col, ive just woke up.... all this has turned me into a vampire..hahaha. ye you are right my first call has to be her brother because like i said before she may not have told her kids about me and if she hasnt then i think it should stay that way for them, it would be a giant thing to cope with to suddenly find the mum you thought you knew so well had kept such a big secret all this time,im happy just to know that they exist. i dont believe she has tried to find me cos if she had she would only of had to go to some adoption sites on web and she would of found my details. the most likely hood is she has tried to put it behind her and get on with life... and i dont blame her.... she will probably be as nervous as me and might even be too scared to see me, for all she knows i could be out to destroy her, but im not. It hadnt really hit me before fact that this is going to effect quite a few lives, im scared to death! ive told my kids today... they knew i was looking, but never
> took much notice.... My eldest son just said he will be with me every step of the way and that if she doesnt want to know me then its her loss. My younger son just said, yeh, cool, so long as they arent evertonians! Then comes my daughter ive ended up arguing with her, my kids dad (im divorced from him) was brought up in care, so my kids have only ever had me they have no other family, apart from my adopted mum, who she goes to see once a year she is on cloud nine and keeps saying "ive got a real nan" and proper auntys and uncles. Ive had to tell her that right now and maybe forever, they are nothing to her or me, but i cant get that through to her, she loves everyone in life and would open her arms to the bin man if she could....you know the sort.... ive lost count of how many stray animals she has brought home over the years. She is going to be my biggest problem through all this, i just know it! questions question god ive gone on a bit havent i....hahaha... til lata xxxx
tina wrote:
>
>Cheers collette, have a brilliant holiday hope its nice and hot. i went to bodrum 2yrs ago, had a great time. yes you have to get in touch when you get back...... i might of plucked up courage to of done something by then!!!!. Collette I will never be able to thank you enough for your help, it is the biggest thing anyone has ever done for me and without sounding like a creepy freek, I will keep you in my heart forever. xxxxxx
25 July 2005 07.30
tina adams wrote:
Colette, hiya hope you had a fab holiday.guess what...... my real mum and sisters and brother are coming to see me today!!!!!!! tinaxx
Sent :
25 July 2005 08:5
To :
tina
Tinaaaaaaaaaa brilliant news tell me more did you ring her brother oh give us the gossip was she pleased you found her sounds like it.
I am so happy for you.
Yes i had a fab holiday i love Turkey the people are great and such a lively place.
Dont keep me in suspendersssssssssssssssssss
Col xxxxxxx
Read More......
tina wrote:
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >I think ive made a major break through and if i have i have got nearly all her family!!!! i know its 5 in the morning but im almost positive, so had to mail you!!! i just hope i dont fall asleep (havent been to bed for 2 days) and wake up to find ive just wished it and really ive collected a travelling circus!!!! cant wait to let you know it all cos you will have a better idea as to wether they all fit.... byeeee!!!
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > > > > > >Date: 28 Jun 2005 10:13:42 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > > > >Morning Tina although i bet you are still in bed crazy woman staying up all night, what have you found ????? more children to her and Michael.
> > > > > > > > > > >I only went upto 1972 as you know i still have a few credits so could try 1974 and 1976 maybe as babies are normaly 2 years apart.
> > > > > > > > > > >Or maybe you have already found more kids.
> > > > > > > > > > >Col xx
tina wrote:
> > > > > > > > > >I was just in middle of typing it to you.... hope im not bugging you.... well, i think ive found her entire family! her mum and dad i think are james fisher and mary jones ( the others were proddies) they had john, James, mary, isabella and marie. James their son married Marguarita (rita) and they had, Ian, david, cathy and tricia. their son ian died in sept. 2002 aged 36. John isabella's brother died 19.2.04. aged 62!!! what do you think x
>Date: 28 Jun 2005 10:38:58 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > > > >Hi Tina were did you find all this info...
> > > > > > > > > >Col xx
tina adams . wrote:
> > > > > > > > >oh, yeh and the one who died used to be a member of friends reunited because i remember going on his name and there was an announcement from his brother saying he had died there isnt a fisher i havent clicked on to i dont think! sorry i must be doing your head in. x
>Date: 28 Jun 2005 14:39:39 +0100 (BST)
Hi Tina you sound delighted, who was it who died a family friend.
> > > > > > > > >Col xxxx
tina s wrote:
> > > > > > > >no it was family deaths. you know the death coloumn in the echo i just went through the old announcements. and i rememberd seeing ian fishers death on friendreunitd, trust me, ive been like a lunatic for nearly 20yrs trying for info and i know it sounds a bit sad but for that past year i have scoured the net every day looking for possible fishers. what do you think do you think it sounds right what ive found
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > > >Date: 28 Jun 2005 18:18:35 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >Hiya Tina just had a look, so you think the Jimmy and Rita are James & Margaurita so that would make Jimmy your mums brother yes ??? surley if Michael & Isabella were still around they would have put an obituary in or even one of there children they would be in there 30's now.
> > > > > > > >As i always say write it all down incase it is correct, i searched for the marriage of a Fisher and a Jones 1943, 1944 and Jan-March 1945 could not find one in the Liverpool area so that means they married before 1943 so had to have had other children or another child before Isabella was born in 1945.
> > > > > > > >Colette
tina adams wrote:
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Hiya james fisher and mary jones whaere married liverpool 1935 in the obituary for son john who died 19.2.04 it said reuntied with mum and dad james and mary that was put in the echo by his brother and sisters jimmy mary bella and marie, god ive just woke up xx
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > >Date: 29 Jun 2005 19:05:40 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > >Hi Tina i am with you now i never saw that obituary does make sense doesnt it.
> > > > > > >With the Bella and sister Marie the name you got Donna Marie i think you are onto something sherlock.
> > > > > > >Lazy Bonessssssssssssssss
> > > > > > >Colette xxxxxxxxxx
> > > > >Date: 29 Jun 2005 23:53:20 +0100 (BST)
> > > > >
> > > > >Hi Tina god you poor girl your a mess dont worry
> > > > >Get all your bits together in a big file get some of those plastic sleeve things and keep em all together and take a deep breathe from time to time dont lose ya koollllllllllllllllll.
tina wrote:
> > > >
> > > >I think i might of found her!!! Isabella Fisher, 8 xxxxclose, . Allison Byrne, xxxxclose, !!!! mother and daughter.... maybe....
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > >Date: 30 Jun 2005 09:12:50 +0100 (BST)
> > > >Wonder why shes a Fisher though maybe she got divorced and is using her own name again.
> > > >Col xx
>tina adams wrote:
> >
> >Hiya, god i must be proper bugging you! i rekon 1st i have to make sure that james and rita fisher are jimmy a maguerita fisher if they are then its them im going to approach first, he is her brother so i think he is best, her kids might not even know about me, and if she wants them to know that has to be her decision, what do you think ive got an adress and number for jimmy and rita!?? help......xxx
>Subject: RE: Fisher
> >Date: 30 June 2005 21:27:04 +0100 (BST)
> >
> >
> >Hi Ti listen its up to you, you have come along way to find her and i bet there hasnt been a day gone by that she hasnt thourght of you were you are what you are doing and what you look like.
> >She's only human after all but also be prepared to be dissapointed as she may not want to see you but some how i dont think that will happen, aye you never know she may have been looking for you also.
> >I think you should ring Rita and Jimmy and if its them, see what they say i know it will be nerve racking at first but if it gets you to meet your birth mum well worth it.
> >I think you have to do it for yourself or you will go mad.
> >And remember none of this was your fault you were an innocent baby caught up in something ok.......
> >
> >
> >Go for it Colette i am thinking about you xxxxxxxxx
>tina adams wrote:
>
>hiya col, ive just woke up.... all this has turned me into a vampire..hahaha. ye you are right my first call has to be her brother because like i said before she may not have told her kids about me and if she hasnt then i think it should stay that way for them, it would be a giant thing to cope with to suddenly find the mum you thought you knew so well had kept such a big secret all this time,im happy just to know that they exist. i dont believe she has tried to find me cos if she had she would only of had to go to some adoption sites on web and she would of found my details. the most likely hood is she has tried to put it behind her and get on with life... and i dont blame her.... she will probably be as nervous as me and might even be too scared to see me, for all she knows i could be out to destroy her, but im not. It hadnt really hit me before fact that this is going to effect quite a few lives, im scared to death! ive told my kids today... they knew i was looking, but never
> took much notice.... My eldest son just said he will be with me every step of the way and that if she doesnt want to know me then its her loss. My younger son just said, yeh, cool, so long as they arent evertonians! Then comes my daughter ive ended up arguing with her, my kids dad (im divorced from him) was brought up in care, so my kids have only ever had me they have no other family, apart from my adopted mum, who she goes to see once a year she is on cloud nine and keeps saying "ive got a real nan" and proper auntys and uncles. Ive had to tell her that right now and maybe forever, they are nothing to her or me, but i cant get that through to her, she loves everyone in life and would open her arms to the bin man if she could....you know the sort.... ive lost count of how many stray animals she has brought home over the years. She is going to be my biggest problem through all this, i just know it! questions question god ive gone on a bit havent i....hahaha... til lata xxxx
tina wrote:
>
>Cheers collette, have a brilliant holiday hope its nice and hot. i went to bodrum 2yrs ago, had a great time. yes you have to get in touch when you get back...... i might of plucked up courage to of done something by then!!!!. Collette I will never be able to thank you enough for your help, it is the biggest thing anyone has ever done for me and without sounding like a creepy freek, I will keep you in my heart forever. xxxxxx
25 July 2005 07.30
tina adams wrote:
Colette, hiya hope you had a fab holiday.guess what...... my real mum and sisters and brother are coming to see me today!!!!!!! tinaxx
Sent :
25 July 2005 08:5
To :
tina
Tinaaaaaaaaaa brilliant news tell me more did you ring her brother oh give us the gossip was she pleased you found her sounds like it.
I am so happy for you.
Yes i had a fab holiday i love Turkey the people are great and such a lively place.
Dont keep me in suspendersssssssssssssssssss
Col xxxxxxx
email discoveries june 2005
Tuesday, 25 September 2007
I went through some old emails today. They were sent between me and Colette, a girl I had got to know through my search. The emails dated between June 14th 2005 and July 12th 2005.
Colette was a member of a genealogy site that I joined. I must of been a member of every adoption and genealogy site on the web. She had seen one of my post asking if any one had any information about my real mum. All I knew at that point was her name and a rough Idea of the area she had lived in. Oh and I had her marriage certificate that someone else had got hold of for me.
I had already been through all the electoral registers and drew a blank. Colette emailed me to say she couldn't find any records of my mum but she had come across a mans name at various addresses over the past few years who could well be her husband. I'm not sure why but at some point we came to the conclusion that they must be divorced. Over the course of the next week the emails flew between us.
The most recent address we had for this man who had to be her husband (in my mind, anyway) was in Bootle. Colette actually lived in the same area!
We still hadn't found anything on my mum and Colette emailed me on June21st with a question. Did I think she might be dead. Yeh, I did. I had thought it for the past week. I'm not sure how I felt because at that point I still didn't know the full truth behind my adoption. I still thought she had dumped me at 10 days old and that was it. So I never was looking for a relationship, I had always thought that whatever her reasons they were right for her at the time and I had no right to intrude into her life.
I decided I was going to write to her husband, with any luck even if they had had a nasty divorce he might have a heart and tell me about her and maybe give me a photo. The next 3 days Colette and her sister kept an eye on the address we had, hoping to see him. I wasn't going to write if he looked like a murderer! They had no luck, it was a house made into flats so there were lots of people coming and going. I tried to persuade her to knock the door and pretend to be a market researcher but she was having none of it!
June 27th. Michael G. Byrne of the said address was not my mums husband. He was her son. My brother. Colette had been to the records office looking for a death certificate and came away with a birth certificate. Two days later she went back and came away with the birth certificates of my two sisters. It had never entered my head that I might have brothers or sisters. July 12th I learned my mum was alive and well and had an address for her.
Why should I or any other human being have to do shit like that and discover like that who they are. That was my family I was discovering, my birth right, part of ME!
Read More......
Colette was a member of a genealogy site that I joined. I must of been a member of every adoption and genealogy site on the web. She had seen one of my post asking if any one had any information about my real mum. All I knew at that point was her name and a rough Idea of the area she had lived in. Oh and I had her marriage certificate that someone else had got hold of for me.
I had already been through all the electoral registers and drew a blank. Colette emailed me to say she couldn't find any records of my mum but she had come across a mans name at various addresses over the past few years who could well be her husband. I'm not sure why but at some point we came to the conclusion that they must be divorced. Over the course of the next week the emails flew between us.
The most recent address we had for this man who had to be her husband (in my mind, anyway) was in Bootle. Colette actually lived in the same area!
We still hadn't found anything on my mum and Colette emailed me on June21st with a question. Did I think she might be dead. Yeh, I did. I had thought it for the past week. I'm not sure how I felt because at that point I still didn't know the full truth behind my adoption. I still thought she had dumped me at 10 days old and that was it. So I never was looking for a relationship, I had always thought that whatever her reasons they were right for her at the time and I had no right to intrude into her life.
I decided I was going to write to her husband, with any luck even if they had had a nasty divorce he might have a heart and tell me about her and maybe give me a photo. The next 3 days Colette and her sister kept an eye on the address we had, hoping to see him. I wasn't going to write if he looked like a murderer! They had no luck, it was a house made into flats so there were lots of people coming and going. I tried to persuade her to knock the door and pretend to be a market researcher but she was having none of it!
June 27th. Michael G. Byrne of the said address was not my mums husband. He was her son. My brother. Colette had been to the records office looking for a death certificate and came away with a birth certificate. Two days later she went back and came away with the birth certificates of my two sisters. It had never entered my head that I might have brothers or sisters. July 12th I learned my mum was alive and well and had an address for her.
Why should I or any other human being have to do shit like that and discover like that who they are. That was my family I was discovering, my birth right, part of ME!
My name is Donna 1974
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
I am finding all this harder than I thought it would be. The more I try and go back over the years, the more my emotions go array. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
The truth, that's all I ever wanted. I didn't want the perfect story or tales of being the chosen one (just as well!). I just wanted MY story, nothing else, just the truth. I was about nine or ten when I discovered the first bit of evidence, evidence doesn't seem the right word, but cant think of another way to say it. My amum and adad had gone out. They would go to Bing three or four nights a week leaving me and my sister at home. My favourite pass time was 'rooting'. I used to root everywhere. I didn't even know what I was looking for, I just knew there was something to find. I had never managed to get into the bottom of my amums wardrobe before it was usually locked. She has a couple of times showed us photos that she kept in a box there, they were special times. It didn't take long before I was on the floor surrounded by lots of papers and other boring stuff. I had got it all out just to have to put it all back and for nothing. Then I found it. I don't know what it was, I just thought it was about me. The name on it was Donna Marie ####### it also had another name on it. I was convinced that it was about me and my real mum. I quickly put everything back and hoped I wouldn't get found out. After a few weeks I couldn't keep it in any longer so I remember coming out with some rubbish to my amum about seeing something that had the names on it and I asked her who it was. She had never heard of them and didn't know what I was going on about. I don't remember much else about it. I know there was lots of ranting and raving but not much else. The bottom of her wardrobe was emptied and I never saw the boxes again. I had used to pretend my name was Donna when I was very small so seeing the name in black and white confused me. I was being told I had imagined it (even though it was burnt into my head). My amum wouldn't lie to me, nothing made sense. Although The names on the paper stuck with me I did eventually wonder if I had (along with many other things) imagined it. My amum said years later that I had probably imagined finding something because I had wanted to so much. At the age of twenty seven My Social Worker sat me down and he didn't have to say a word. I knew. I had spent forever trying to find out about myself with no luck. Then I decided to risk being called mad again and told my social worker about my 'fantasies'. Fantasies that had put me into a psychiatric hospital at the age of fourteen for over a year. My name was Donna Marie and the other name was my real mum. I had spent all my life thinking I was weird and watching everything I said to people so they wouldn't know I was strange and all along my so called weirdness were just memories.
Hair colour 1972/73
Saturday, 8 September 2007
It is only since finding my family that everything in my life fell into place. You hear people say ‘the light went on’; it was floodlights in my case. Although I have an understanding now of why certain things happened, it isn’t easy sharing events with a key board.
It didn’t hurt and I’m not sure I can explain it. The smell, it stung my nose and eyes but no, it didn’t hurt. 1972/73 or there about. My adoptive mum was dying my hair over the bath. I was excited at first, it seemed so grown up. My hair was going to be the same colour as my sisters. My ‘sister’ is their natural daughter; she is eighteen months older than I am. I say sister, and I always will. Don’t ask me why I don’t think of her as my adoptive sister, because that is something I don’t understand myself. I just know in my head and heart she is my sister and I would kill for her.
Everything had been fine; I had sat for what seemed like ever with smelly stuff on my hair. I must have played half a dozen games with my amum and ate at least two packs of biscuits until it was time to wash it off. Amum didn’t want me to get any dye in my eyes so she had dug out a pair of rubber goggles. It was hysterical because I couldn’t hold them on for laughing. They were supposed to go over my head but of course, she wouldn’t have been able to wash my hair if I wore them properly.
I hadn’t noticed my adad come in; I just know something was wrong. My amum wrapped a towel around my head and rushed me into the bedroom. I could hear them arguing but not what they were saying. Mostly I could hear my amum crying or rather screeching. I don’t know how long it went on for it wasn’t long though. I had climbed onto the back of the settee (my favourite spot) and adad was brushing my hair. I just remember my amum ripping the brush out of his hand and literally screaming that I had done it on purpose. Done what?
It didn’t make sense; my amum was saying I was doing it to annoy her. Doing what? She was crying and shaking asking me why? I must have got scared or something because I know my adad picked me up and took me out in the car. It wasn’t long after that my amum got poorly (that’s what I was told) and had to stay in hospital for a bit.
The dye incident was never an issue, in fact over the years we often laughed about it. I never asked why it happened or what it was all about. I hadn’t given that day a thought for at least fifteen years. In 2005, I opened my front door and there was my real family. I was seeing them for the first time. If you had put me in a room with a thousand people and told, someone to pick what family I belonged to they would have pointed to my real family. There was no mistaking it. I was not only my mum’s double but also my two sisters were the living image of me. My hair dye jumped into my head like an electric shock (I’m dramatic I know ha-ha) but that’s how it was. It all made sense. I had up until the age of seven had blue eyes and blonde hair just like my afamily. My eyes changed to green and my hair is almost black.
My amum didn’t want anyone to know I was adopted. People often used to make jokes about my hair. Was I the milkman’s was the usual question? My adad just used to laugh but looking back my amum would end up having one of her funny turns (that’s what we used to call moods). I have worked through it in my head now. I think she felt everything she had done to get me was for nothing if people found out I wasn’t theirs. When she was having her breakdowns, she had decided in her head that I was changing deliberately to spite her.
Any one reading this will automatically think what a horrible person, because I know I would think that just reading it. She wasn’t a horrible person; she was just a scared woman with mental health issues.
Read More......
It didn’t hurt and I’m not sure I can explain it. The smell, it stung my nose and eyes but no, it didn’t hurt. 1972/73 or there about. My adoptive mum was dying my hair over the bath. I was excited at first, it seemed so grown up. My hair was going to be the same colour as my sisters. My ‘sister’ is their natural daughter; she is eighteen months older than I am. I say sister, and I always will. Don’t ask me why I don’t think of her as my adoptive sister, because that is something I don’t understand myself. I just know in my head and heart she is my sister and I would kill for her.
Everything had been fine; I had sat for what seemed like ever with smelly stuff on my hair. I must have played half a dozen games with my amum and ate at least two packs of biscuits until it was time to wash it off. Amum didn’t want me to get any dye in my eyes so she had dug out a pair of rubber goggles. It was hysterical because I couldn’t hold them on for laughing. They were supposed to go over my head but of course, she wouldn’t have been able to wash my hair if I wore them properly.
I hadn’t noticed my adad come in; I just know something was wrong. My amum wrapped a towel around my head and rushed me into the bedroom. I could hear them arguing but not what they were saying. Mostly I could hear my amum crying or rather screeching. I don’t know how long it went on for it wasn’t long though. I had climbed onto the back of the settee (my favourite spot) and adad was brushing my hair. I just remember my amum ripping the brush out of his hand and literally screaming that I had done it on purpose. Done what?
It didn’t make sense; my amum was saying I was doing it to annoy her. Doing what? She was crying and shaking asking me why? I must have got scared or something because I know my adad picked me up and took me out in the car. It wasn’t long after that my amum got poorly (that’s what I was told) and had to stay in hospital for a bit.
The dye incident was never an issue, in fact over the years we often laughed about it. I never asked why it happened or what it was all about. I hadn’t given that day a thought for at least fifteen years. In 2005, I opened my front door and there was my real family. I was seeing them for the first time. If you had put me in a room with a thousand people and told, someone to pick what family I belonged to they would have pointed to my real family. There was no mistaking it. I was not only my mum’s double but also my two sisters were the living image of me. My hair dye jumped into my head like an electric shock (I’m dramatic I know ha-ha) but that’s how it was. It all made sense. I had up until the age of seven had blue eyes and blonde hair just like my afamily. My eyes changed to green and my hair is almost black.
My amum didn’t want anyone to know I was adopted. People often used to make jokes about my hair. Was I the milkman’s was the usual question? My adad just used to laugh but looking back my amum would end up having one of her funny turns (that’s what we used to call moods). I have worked through it in my head now. I think she felt everything she had done to get me was for nothing if people found out I wasn’t theirs. When she was having her breakdowns, she had decided in her head that I was changing deliberately to spite her.
Any one reading this will automatically think what a horrible person, because I know I would think that just reading it. She wasn’t a horrible person; she was just a scared woman with mental health issues.
Adoption File
Wednesday, 5 September 2007
I finally received my adoption file in 1994. When I was handed it I went through every emotion possible. Shock and disbelief were two emotions that refused to go away.
I don't know what shocked me more, learning that my childhood 'imaginary' name was actually the name I was given at birth or how little information there was in it. The two page questionnaire held no surprises or the torn bit of paper (which fell apart while I tried to scan it!). They read pretty much as my adoptive family had told me. I had been handed over to them at ten days of age by my real mum. I wasn't to find out for another eleven years that my afamily with the help of my real mums brother had lied to social services.
The file also contained a yellow form that had my birth name on it and my real mums name on it, along with date of birth. The form was to be sent off to the Registrar General at Southport and they would then send my birth certificate to me!! Now this is where, if you didn't already think I was a bit mad in the head, you will definitely think I am now. I couldn't part with that yellow form. It was the only thing I had ever had or seen that told me who I was. It also had my mums name on it. I cant explain how amazing that felt.
I photo copied the form and sent it off to Southport only to have it returned with a letter stating they could only except original forms. I was gutted. If it was to get lost in the post I would never ever have that confirmation again of who I was. I did warn you all that I'm a bit mad! The logical thing would of been to just keep the photo copy and send the original. YES!! I know! but I couldn't, I had waited nearly thirty years to have an identity I was scared stiff of losing it again. I hate thinking about just how desperate I felt at that time. Makes me feel a bit a sad freak to be honest, but hey fuck it I wanted a mum and needed a mum. I wanted to be loved.
I didn't part with my yellow form for over six years. The year 2000 I sent it off and got my birth certificate. here is how the powers that be summed up my birth. My adoption was little more than a clerical error at birth!
16 November 2006 11:48:08 PM Diary
Friday, 31 August 2007
I can’t sleep again; my head just won’t switch off. It's been nearly a year since I found my mum, sisters, and brother and it's been 3 week since I found and met my dad’s son David.
My 22 years of searching for family is over now but I still have the truth to deal with.
My head is so full of mixed and jumbled feelings that I have decided to write this diary. I hope that'. I'll be able to look back at this one day and know it was all worth it.
I’ve been thinking none stop about David all week. When I met him 3 weeks ago, it was dead weird, I had never ever thought I might have family on my dad’s side that would want to see me never mind want to have a relationship with me.
I hadn't felt emotional when I met David, I had seen it as just getting to know details about my dad, who I'd always thought had denied me when I was a baby. I was gobsmacked when real mum confessed to me the morning I met him that actually my dad didn’t know about me.
I drove back to Liverpool with David but wasn’t sure what to think. He told me that our dad had suffered many strokes and his mind was going too. He has altzhimers, which shocked me, but I didn’t know how to feel.
David dropped me at Ally’s and even though he said he wanted to get to know me, I don’t think I expected to see him again. He turned up at Ally’s the next day and as I jumped in his car, I felt completely different. I can’t explain it but I just felt at ease with him and I wanted to be with him.
Over the next week, my head just exploded with everything. For the first time in my life, I wanted a dad, my dad. I can’t bear to think of him as he is. David gave me photos of him and I just look at them and cry. I know that because of his health we will never get the chance to be father and daughter.
I was angry with real mum for not telling me the truth and felt it was her fault it was too late for us. I know I was wrong to think that and if I’m honest I can understand why she lied to him and never told me. It doesn’t matter now because it's in the past.
I've felt like shit all week because I had started to think David had changed his mind about me. I feel a prat saying it but just because he hadn’t, rang me Id started to feel a fool for even hoping he would. Anyway I sent him a text, couldn’t ring in case he made an excuse not to speak to me! That would have killed me. He rang me back about an hour later and he was fine. He has just been busy with work and sorting nursing home out for his dad.
I'm finding it so hard sometimes. I have always been secure in myself but not anymore. Sometimes I get a knot so tight in my belly because I'm so scared everyone will disappear. Oh, well I’m crying now, always do when I admit how I really feel, so hopefully I will be able to fall asleep.
Update – I have not seen or heard off David since then.
Read More......
My 22 years of searching for family is over now but I still have the truth to deal with.
My head is so full of mixed and jumbled feelings that I have decided to write this diary. I hope that'. I'll be able to look back at this one day and know it was all worth it.
I’ve been thinking none stop about David all week. When I met him 3 weeks ago, it was dead weird, I had never ever thought I might have family on my dad’s side that would want to see me never mind want to have a relationship with me.
I hadn't felt emotional when I met David, I had seen it as just getting to know details about my dad, who I'd always thought had denied me when I was a baby. I was gobsmacked when real mum confessed to me the morning I met him that actually my dad didn’t know about me.
I drove back to Liverpool with David but wasn’t sure what to think. He told me that our dad had suffered many strokes and his mind was going too. He has altzhimers, which shocked me, but I didn’t know how to feel.
David dropped me at Ally’s and even though he said he wanted to get to know me, I don’t think I expected to see him again. He turned up at Ally’s the next day and as I jumped in his car, I felt completely different. I can’t explain it but I just felt at ease with him and I wanted to be with him.
Over the next week, my head just exploded with everything. For the first time in my life, I wanted a dad, my dad. I can’t bear to think of him as he is. David gave me photos of him and I just look at them and cry. I know that because of his health we will never get the chance to be father and daughter.
I was angry with real mum for not telling me the truth and felt it was her fault it was too late for us. I know I was wrong to think that and if I’m honest I can understand why she lied to him and never told me. It doesn’t matter now because it's in the past.
I've felt like shit all week because I had started to think David had changed his mind about me. I feel a prat saying it but just because he hadn’t, rang me Id started to feel a fool for even hoping he would. Anyway I sent him a text, couldn’t ring in case he made an excuse not to speak to me! That would have killed me. He rang me back about an hour later and he was fine. He has just been busy with work and sorting nursing home out for his dad.
I'm finding it so hard sometimes. I have always been secure in myself but not anymore. Sometimes I get a knot so tight in my belly because I'm so scared everyone will disappear. Oh, well I’m crying now, always do when I admit how I really feel, so hopefully I will be able to fall asleep.
Update – I have not seen or heard off David since then.
Age 7 1972 chirpy chirpy cheep cheep
Thursday, 30 August 2007
It was in my first year juniors when I heard the word adoption. Adoption, a word that has followed me like a bad smell ever since!
I admit I was already a horrible little brat even before I wore the adoption badge. That day was no different. I had been playing skipping with the other kids from my class and one of my friends tripped me up. In retaliation (ok, so it wasn't really retaliation!) I bit her on the leg, leaving huge teeth marks. Her parents went berserk demanding that I be removed from the school(excellent! ha ha). The head master apparently told the parents that I behaved like that because I was adopted! Huh, not sure how he knew. Anyway the next day the bitten leg and a few others kept singing chirp a chirpy cheep cheep to me. for those of you who don't remember it, it was a naff song that went 'chirpy chirpy cheep cheep' where's ya momma gone, where's ya momma gone' You get the drift. Then came the questions. What was it like being adopted, why didn't my mum want me etc. etc. At some point that day the headmaster must of heard about it and called me to his office.
As hard as I try I can not remember what I was told in school but I do remember what happened at home. I had ran home dead excited, yeah I was adopted! I had lost the thread of what it meant but it was still exciting. My amum was out when I got in but my adad was their. Dad, dad I'm adopted, I'm adopted. I don't really know what he said or if I even listened to him, I just know I was running round the house like a loony shouting I was adopted. When my amum came home I ran downstairs to tell her (must of thought she didn't know lol). Crack! I can still feel the slap now. I was a selfish little bastard. They had saved me from the gutter, I should be ashamed not shouting it for the world to know. What was the point of them keeping me if every one knew I wasn't theirs. Things were never the same again.
Read More......
I admit I was already a horrible little brat even before I wore the adoption badge. That day was no different. I had been playing skipping with the other kids from my class and one of my friends tripped me up. In retaliation (ok, so it wasn't really retaliation!) I bit her on the leg, leaving huge teeth marks. Her parents went berserk demanding that I be removed from the school(excellent! ha ha). The head master apparently told the parents that I behaved like that because I was adopted! Huh, not sure how he knew. Anyway the next day the bitten leg and a few others kept singing chirp a chirpy cheep cheep to me. for those of you who don't remember it, it was a naff song that went 'chirpy chirpy cheep cheep' where's ya momma gone, where's ya momma gone' You get the drift. Then came the questions. What was it like being adopted, why didn't my mum want me etc. etc. At some point that day the headmaster must of heard about it and called me to his office.
As hard as I try I can not remember what I was told in school but I do remember what happened at home. I had ran home dead excited, yeah I was adopted! I had lost the thread of what it meant but it was still exciting. My amum was out when I got in but my adad was their. Dad, dad I'm adopted, I'm adopted. I don't really know what he said or if I even listened to him, I just know I was running round the house like a loony shouting I was adopted. When my amum came home I ran downstairs to tell her (must of thought she didn't know lol). Crack! I can still feel the slap now. I was a selfish little bastard. They had saved me from the gutter, I should be ashamed not shouting it for the world to know. What was the point of them keeping me if every one knew I wasn't theirs. Things were never the same again.
1969 First Memory
Friday, 24 August 2007
Sitting in the back of a removal, eating a sausage roll. I have always had a clear memory of that day. Ask me what the house we were leaving was like, and I couldn't tell you...
My dad had sat me on a big wooden chair right inside the big van. I had been driving the removal men nuts by running riot. I can even tell you where my sausage roll was from, it was from Sayers.
I never questioned myself about that memory or why it was so clear to me. It was just my first memory. Everyone has one it was no big deal.
It turned into a big deal for me in 2005. July 12th, 2 weeks before my 40th birthday.
That was the day I met my real mum and family for the first time. That was the day I found out that the day before the big move was the last time I saw my mum...
1994
Thursday, 23 August 2007
I had finally got a call from a Social Worker. I994, nearly 30 years after my birth, he had found my adoption records.
Read More...
I was actually going to see something that was really mine. I was going to be able to touch something that mu mum had touched. I was going to know myself.
Three weeks later, in a busy Social Services office, I was handed my file. It contained 2 dog eared questionnaires sheets,a yellow form and a piece of scrap paper.
