Adoption CyberWorld

Discovering the world forums quite possibly saved my sanity. The internet was until early 2004 alien to me. I had to ask the kids how to turn the computer on so you can imagine how bad my computer skills were.

I was the source of my kid’s amusement for a few months of my internet initiation. They 'helped' me to set up email and other user accounts, which I thought was good of them. It didn't take long to realise they were taking the 'p' out of me. I was suddenly a member of three on-line dating agencies, a Harry Potter fan site and not to mention all the gothic vampire sites! The final straw was armchair bob. Yeh, armchair bob. I had apparently subscribed to him, sort of like a virtual husband only without the ability to knee him where it hurts.

The time had come to admit my ignorance and get help from a friend. Kids banished from the house we began. My god I couldn’t believe what was out there or how easy it all really was! The kids would have to look elsewhere for entertainment from now on.

Typing the word adoption into the search box opened up a completely new world to me. I quickly came across some forums. Some of the forums where a bit dodgy to say the least but mostly they were made up of people just like me. Ok, everyone had their own story but in one way, another adoption, or the care system had affected their lives.

I joined four or five forums, mostly adoption but one or two that were set up for kids that had been in care (my reason for joining will become clear over time). For the first time in my life, I started to open up about my adoption and childhood. I ran away from my hometown at sixteen and had never spoken about my past to anyone. Obviously, being anonymous helped but it soon became clear that these people in my cyber world were more than just 'people'. They were individuals who not only understood each other but they actually care about people.

I don’t think I would of found my family without the help of the people (now my friends) using the forums. If I were feeling like shit (common side effect), there would always be someone who understood or put things into perspective for me. I soon learnt how to do look ups and where to find information from that would help in my search. It's all about helping each other.

For me and I suspect a lot of adoptees cyberspace is the only place I can be completely honest about my feelings. In the 'real' world, it is much easier to say nothing at all. Walking on eggshells is an understatement. If I was to say how I really feel to the different people in my life, I think it would cause a global meltdown! I often play out the conversations in my head but that is where they will have to stay.

When it comes to my childhood or adoption, I have a real problem with guilt and not wanting to hurt people’s feelings. I would never be able to tell my real mum how much it hurt or affected me not having her in my life. I could never tell her how confused and mixed up my feelings still are. I could list a hundred more things I could never tell her, all for the same reason. I wouldn’t want to hurt her. Is that just me or is it an 'adoption' thing. I would love to hear how it is for others. Oh, thank god for the world of cyber and forums!