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Touched by Adoption

Touched by Adoption
Dont ask stupid questions

My name is Donna 1974  

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

I am finding all this harder than I thought it would be. The more I try and go back over the years, the more my emotions go array. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

The truth, that's all I ever wanted. I didn't want the perfect story or tales of being the chosen one (just as well!). I just wanted MY story, nothing else, just the truth. I was about nine or ten when I discovered the first bit of evidence, evidence doesn't seem the right word, but cant think of another way to say it. My amum and adad had gone out. They would go to Bing three or four nights a week leaving me and my sister at home. My favourite pass time was 'rooting'. I used to root everywhere. I didn't even know what I was looking for, I just knew there was something to find. I had never managed to get into the bottom of my amums wardrobe before it was usually locked. She has a couple of times showed us photos that she kept in a box there, they were special times. It didn't take long before I was on the floor surrounded by lots of papers and other boring stuff. I had got it all out just to have to put it all back and for nothing. Then I found it. I don't know what it was, I just thought it was about me. The name on it was Donna Marie ####### it also had another name on it. I was convinced that it was about me and my real mum. I quickly put everything back and hoped I wouldn't get found out. After a few weeks I couldn't keep it in any longer so I remember coming out with some rubbish to my amum about seeing something that had the names on it and I asked her who it was. She had never heard of them and didn't know what I was going on about. I don't remember much else about it. I know there was lots of ranting and raving but not much else. The bottom of her wardrobe was emptied and I never saw the boxes again. I had used to pretend my name was Donna when I was very small so seeing the name in black and white confused me. I was being told I had imagined it (even though it was burnt into my head). My amum wouldn't lie to me, nothing made sense. Although The names on the paper stuck with me I did eventually wonder if I had (along with many other things) imagined it. My amum said years later that I had probably imagined finding something because I had wanted to so much. At the age of twenty seven My Social Worker sat me down and he didn't have to say a word. I knew. I had spent forever trying to find out about myself with no luck. Then I decided to risk being called mad again and told my social worker about my 'fantasies'. Fantasies that had put me into a psychiatric hospital at the age of fourteen for over a year. My name was Donna Marie and the other name was my real mum. I had spent all my life thinking I was weird and watching everything I said to people so they wouldn't know I was strange and all along my so called weirdness were just memories.

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6 comments: to “ My name is Donna 1974

  • Becca
    19 September 2007 at 01:17  

    Is this a true story, or a work of fiction?
    Either way, its written incredibly well.

  • Tina with much2say
    19 September 2007 at 01:28  

    Its my life. I did have help from various forums and webs in my search. Birth parents and adoptees ( who manged to get my mums marriage details for me and forgotten mothers and trackerers international also barnardos family group. You are welcome to verify anything. I haven't even started with my story yet. but I havent come to terms with it properly either. I only found my real family 18months ago.

  • Possum
    20 September 2007 at 05:44  

    Lies and secrets - I HATE THEM.
    AND - your a-mother made you think you were making it all up - imagining it - OMG.
    Adoptees are just meant to live such outrageous lives - full of lies - just to keep the adults happy.
    I'm so sorry that this happened to you.
    I here - I'm listening - and I believe every word that you say.
    Possum. xx

  • Tina with much2say
    20 September 2007 at 06:40  

    Thanks for that Possum. I don't suppose I sounded that friendly to becca. I did want to scream, its not her fault but I spent 22yrs trying to find the truth and I cant fully get my head round it. I have lived someone else's story all my life and don't even know who the fuck I am now. I just want MY life and not a story for some one else! I started counselling today and walked out after half an hour because I knew I sounded mad because it is mad! I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I go from thinking I understand why and how things happened to just being a fucked up wreck, crying and feeling sorry for myself, I thought I was quite a strong person but I'm just getting more pathetic by the day. Thanks for supporting me. I think I need a good sleep. I haven't been to bed yet and its half 6 in morning. I'm going to snuggle up with my dogs and sleep zzzz! Tina xx

  • Simon Bell
    20 September 2007 at 13:36  

    Hey Tina, sounds like you're having a ball. Forget being strong - unravel instead and let it all go....

  • Possum
    21 September 2007 at 02:30  

    Oh Tina - I know those feelings well.
    I'm sorry you're coming apart at the seams.
    If you feel the need - drop on over the AAAFC - it's a forum by adoptees - for adoptees. It's the only place I've felt validation - major validation - my entire life.
    And there's adoptees from all over.
    There is heaps of support whenever you need it.
    Thinking of you.
    Poss. xxx

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