Letter I can never send

Dear Mum, I don't know where to start, It's been just over two years since I last came to see you. I know you don't know why and I know it must hurt you. I don't want to hurt you, but I'm scared I would fall apart and never recover if we had this conversation face to face for real.

I know I haven't mentioned my real family since I was about 14years old and I know that it would never of entered your mind that I would try to look for them. Mum, I did look, and after twenty two years I found them. I met them for the first time two years ago. I'm sorry. I wish you where still the same person that you were when I was a child, this wouldn't hurt so much and I could just hate you and tell you what I thought of you. Your not that same person and you haven't been for many years. I understand so much more now.

What you did was wrong but apart of me can see how it must of been for you. I know you had arranged to adopt me before I was born. I know that my mum handed me over to you when I was ten days old. You had spent four months planning for me. My mum said you were devastated when she took me back one day later. She said how you tried to kill yourself. That's why she promised you that you could see me whenever you wanted.

She told me how much you and my dad loved me and how you spoilt me every time you seen me. I know she took advantage of you as well. She said when she was pregnant with my brother Michael it was often easier to just let you have me for a few weeks as a time.While she was living at her brothers and his wife's I know she left me with you more than she should have. She told me it was hard at her brothers because he had five kids and she and Mick (yes, they are still together) had me and baby Michael but it was made clear I should be got rid of. I was an illegitimate bastard and the families shame. I don't really know what her brother Jimmy told you or even if you knew my mum had a breakdown. All I know is that when I was three and a half you and dad took me on holiday and my mum didn't see me again.

You obviously knew what ever it was and what ever lies you dad and Jimmy told social services you knew it was wrong. It explains alot though. You must of been scared of been found out. The lies make sense but why did you tell me such horrible things about my mum. She never dumped me as a tiny baby and she did love me. Why did you always tell me she didn't want to know me. Why did you always tell me she was no good. You probably believed that though. Mum she isn't a bad person she was just a young naive girl who got pregnant. You told me she was a prostitute but apart from my dad Mick is the only man ever in her life. Did you know as well as Michael (who you never told me about) I also had two sisters.

I have so many things I want to ask you but I know in the real world I never will. When we speak on the phone I cry for hours when I put the phone down. I live two completely different lives now and neither of them is real. I cant be honest with you so I pretend on the phone that everything is fine. My real family I have had to tell them I had a happy childhood, it was the only saving for my mum. After you took me she had several breakdowns and never full recovered. I could never tell her the truth about my childhood and I could never tell her that I spent alot of time in children's homes, it would kill her. So I can never really have a relationship with my family because my child hood experiences made me who I am. To you I am Jxxxxxx your daughter who left home at 16. To my real family I am Donna, my mums daughter and big sister to Michael, Michelle and Allie, and I'm back where I belong. When I moved away at 16 I left my childhood behind and as you know every one knows me by my nick name. I cant be jxxxx because she was nothing but a lie. I cant be Donna because I don't know who she is and I don't want to be the person I became at 16 because to be her I have to be alone. It would of been easier if I had never been born.