Friday, 31 August 2007
My 22 years of searching for family is over now but I still have the truth to deal with.
My head is so full of mixed and jumbled feelings that I have decided to write this diary. I hope that'. I'll be able to look back at this one day and know it was all worth it.
I’ve been thinking none stop about David all week. When I met him 3 weeks ago, it was dead weird, I had never ever thought I might have family on my dad’s side that would want to see me never mind want to have a relationship with me.
I hadn't felt emotional when I met David, I had seen it as just getting to know details about my dad, who I'd always thought had denied me when I was a baby. I was gobsmacked when real mum confessed to me the morning I met him that actually my dad didn’t know about me.
I drove back to Liverpool with David but wasn’t sure what to think. He told me that our dad had suffered many strokes and his mind was going too. He has altzhimers, which shocked me, but I didn’t know how to feel.
David dropped me at Ally’s and even though he said he wanted to get to know me, I don’t think I expected to see him again. He turned up at Ally’s the next day and as I jumped in his car, I felt completely different. I can’t explain it but I just felt at ease with him and I wanted to be with him.
Over the next week, my head just exploded with everything. For the first time in my life, I wanted a dad, my dad. I can’t bear to think of him as he is. David gave me photos of him and I just look at them and cry. I know that because of his health we will never get the chance to be father and daughter.
I was angry with real mum for not telling me the truth and felt it was her fault it was too late for us. I know I was wrong to think that and if I’m honest I can understand why she lied to him and never told me. It doesn’t matter now because it's in the past.
I've felt like shit all week because I had started to think David had changed his mind about me. I feel a prat saying it but just because he hadn’t, rang me Id started to feel a fool for even hoping he would. Anyway I sent him a text, couldn’t ring in case he made an excuse not to speak to me! That would have killed me. He rang me back about an hour later and he was fine. He has just been busy with work and sorting nursing home out for his dad.
I'm finding it so hard sometimes. I have always been secure in myself but not anymore. Sometimes I get a knot so tight in my belly because I'm so scared everyone will disappear. Oh, well I’m crying now, always do when I admit how I really feel, so hopefully I will be able to fall asleep.
Update – I have not seen or heard off David since then.