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Take one healthy child, call it something nice...
Scrub away the grime, negotiate a price...

Touched by Adoption

Touched by Adoption
Dont ask stupid questions

In memory of Americas failed children  

Saturday, 29 September 2007

The new laws passed in 2004 requiring counties to release the names, dates of birth, and dates of death for all children dying while under the care of social services are NOT being followed at all.

The Department of Social Services keeps all names confidential .Imagine --your state's most vulnerable children, betrayed by a state system that was supposed to protect them -- and we have no idea who they are.

Follow this link is a story behind each picture, real story about one short life....Please take a couple of minutes to look around and see what are we talking about.
- May the spirits of those lost rest in peace and may we never forget or ignore what happened to them.-

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Death by Closed Family Courts  

Tahla Ikram aged 17 months. You just want to kiss his little cheeks dont you? well you cant. He is DEAD! Closed family courts and the secrecey surrounding hearings mean authority officials have the safety net of unaccountability. If you need any proof of the failings of our Social Services or the damage that closed family courts result in , then carry on reading.

"The sheer scale of the injustice goes further than anyone can imagine"
We live in a country where at present a minority of gutless, ignorant and cruel individuals stand more unaccountable than ministers in our own government. An unaccountable minority making lives hell for thousands of families and their precious children each year. An unaccountable minority who escape prosecution for their perjurous crimes committed against innocent families in unaccountable family courts wrapped in secrecy. Unaccountable legal representatives who pretend to care right at the start only to deceive and ignore nearing the end. These are draconian laws, but made worse when twisted by local authority officials using a safety net of unaccountability.

Why are these children dying?
"Where's the justice for these children failed by secret professional thugs"

Aaron Gilbert aged 13 months

Chloe Thomas aged 14 weeks

John Smith aged 4
These are just a few of our children who have died due to the failings of our Social Services. Read their stories and many more
Social Services and the Family Courts are responsible for our childrens welfare. Decisions as to whether families stay together or seperate, some to never see each other again,are made in these very courts. That is why the family laws need to change and our courts need to open up. The secrecies need to stop so that real protection can be given.

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More Email July 2005  

Wednesday, 26 September 2007

June and July 2005 were the most exciting and nerve racking days of my life. Nothing could have prepared me for what happened next. The last e mail sent was the day before my world fell apart. The day before I completely lost who I thought I was.

tina wrote:
> > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > >I think ive made a major break through and if i have i have got nearly all her family!!!! i know its 5 in the morning but im almost positive, so had to mail you!!! i just hope i dont fall asleep (havent been to bed for 2 days) and wake up to find ive just wished it and really ive collected a travelling circus!!!! cant wait to let you know it all cos you will have a better idea as to wether they all fit.... byeeee!!!
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > > > > > >Date: 28 Jun 2005 10:13:42 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > > > >Morning Tina although i bet you are still in bed crazy woman staying up all night, what have you found ????? more children to her and Michael.
> > > > > > > > > > >I only went upto 1972 as you know i still have a few credits so could try 1974 and 1976 maybe as babies are normaly 2 years apart.
> > > > > > > > > > >Or maybe you have already found more kids.
> > > > > > > > > > >Col xx
tina wrote:
> > > > > > > > > >I was just in middle of typing it to you.... hope im not bugging you.... well, i think ive found her entire family! her mum and dad i think are james fisher and mary jones ( the others were proddies) they had john, James, mary, isabella and marie. James their son married Marguarita (rita) and they had, Ian, david, cathy and tricia. their son ian died in sept. 2002 aged 36. John isabella's brother died 19.2.04. aged 62!!! what do you think x
>Date: 28 Jun 2005 10:38:58 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > > > >Hi Tina were did you find all this info...
> > > > > > > > > >Col xx
tina adams . wrote:
> > > > > > > > >oh, yeh and the one who died used to be a member of friends reunited because i remember going on his name and there was an announcement from his brother saying he had died there isnt a fisher i havent clicked on to i dont think! sorry i must be doing your head in. x
>Date: 28 Jun 2005 14:39:39 +0100 (BST)
Hi Tina you sound delighted, who was it who died a family friend.
> > > > > > > > >Col xxxx
tina s wrote:
> > > > > > > >no it was family deaths. you know the death coloumn in the echo i just went through the old announcements. and i rememberd seeing ian fishers death on friendreunitd, trust me, ive been like a lunatic for nearly 20yrs trying for info and i know it sounds a bit sad but for that past year i have scoured the net every day looking for possible fishers. what do you think do you think it sounds right what ive found
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > > >Date: 28 Jun 2005 18:18:35 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > >Hiya Tina just had a look, so you think the Jimmy and Rita are James & Margaurita so that would make Jimmy your mums brother yes ??? surley if Michael & Isabella were still around they would have put an obituary in or even one of there children they would be in there 30's now.
> > > > > > > >As i always say write it all down incase it is correct, i searched for the marriage of a Fisher and a Jones 1943, 1944 and Jan-March 1945 could not find one in the Liverpool area so that means they married before 1943 so had to have had other children or another child before Isabella was born in 1945.
> > > > > > > >Colette
tina adams wrote:
> > > > > > >
> > > > > > >Hiya james fisher and mary jones whaere married liverpool 1935 in the obituary for son john who died 19.2.04 it said reuntied with mum and dad james and mary that was put in the echo by his brother and sisters jimmy mary bella and marie, god ive just woke up xx
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > > > > >Date: 29 Jun 2005 19:05:40 +0100 (BST)
> > > > > > >Hi Tina i am with you now i never saw that obituary does make sense doesnt it.
> > > > > > >With the Bella and sister Marie the name you got Donna Marie i think you are onto something sherlock.
> > > > > > >Lazy Bonessssssssssssssss
> > > > > > >Colette xxxxxxxxxx
> > > > >Date: 29 Jun 2005 23:53:20 +0100 (BST)
> > > > >
> > > > >Hi Tina god you poor girl your a mess dont worry
> > > > >Get all your bits together in a big file get some of those plastic sleeve things and keep em all together and take a deep breathe from time to time dont lose ya koollllllllllllllllll.
tina wrote:
> > > >
> > > >I think i might of found her!!! Isabella Fisher, 8 xxxxclose, . Allison Byrne, xxxxclose, !!!! mother and daughter.... maybe....
Subject: RE: Fisher
> > > >Date: 30 Jun 2005 09:12:50 +0100 (BST)
> > > >Wonder why shes a Fisher though maybe she got divorced and is using her own name again.
> > > >Col xx
>tina adams wrote:
> >
> >Hiya, god i must be proper bugging you! i rekon 1st i have to make sure that james and rita fisher are jimmy a maguerita fisher if they are then its them im going to approach first, he is her brother so i think he is best, her kids might not even know about me, and if she wants them to know that has to be her decision, what do you think ive got an adress and number for jimmy and rita!??
>Subject: RE: Fisher
> >Date: 30 June 2005 21:27:04 +0100 (BST)
> >
> >
> >Hi Ti listen its up to you, you have come along way to find her and i bet there hasnt been a day gone by that she hasnt thourght of you were you are what you are doing and what you look like.
> >She's only human after all but also be prepared to be dissapointed as she may not want to see you but some how i dont think that will happen, aye you never know she may have been looking for you also.
> >I think you should ring Rita and Jimmy and if its them, see what they say i know it will be nerve racking at first but if it gets you to meet your birth mum well worth it.
> >I think you have to do it for yourself or you will go mad.
> >And remember none of this was your fault you were an innocent baby caught up in something ok.......
> >
> >
> >Go for it Colette i am thinking about you xxxxxxxxx
>tina adams wrote:
>hiya col, ive just woke up.... all this has turned me into a vampire..hahaha. ye you are right my first call has to be her brother because like i said before she may not have told her kids about me and if she hasnt then i think it should stay that way for them, it would be a giant thing to cope with to suddenly find the mum you thought you knew so well had kept such a big secret all this time,im happy just to know that they exist. i dont believe she has tried to find me cos if she had she would only of had to go to some adoption sites on web and she would of found my details. the most likely hood is she has tried to put it behind her and get on with life... and i dont blame her.... she will probably be as nervous as me and might even be too scared to see me, for all she knows i could be out to destroy her, but im not. It hadnt really hit me before fact that this is going to effect quite a few lives, im scared to death! ive told my kids today... they knew i was looking, but never
> took much notice.... My eldest son just said he will be with me every step of the way and that if she doesnt want to know me then its her loss. My younger son just said, yeh, cool, so long as they arent evertonians! Then comes my daughter ive ended up arguing with her, my kids dad (im divorced from him) was brought up in care, so my kids have only ever had me they have no other family, apart from my adopted mum, who she goes to see once a year she is on cloud nine and keeps saying "ive got a real nan" and proper auntys and uncles. Ive had to tell her that right now and maybe forever, they are nothing to her or me, but i cant get that through to her, she loves everyone in life and would open her arms to the bin man if she know the sort.... ive lost count of how many stray animals she has brought home over the years. She is going to be my biggest problem through all this, i just know it! questions question god ive gone on a bit havent i....hahaha... til lata xxxx

tina wrote:
>Cheers collette, have a brilliant holiday hope its nice and hot. i went to bodrum 2yrs ago, had a great time. yes you have to get in touch when you get back...... i might of plucked up courage to of done something by then!!!!. Collette I will never be able to thank you enough for your help, it is the biggest thing anyone has ever done for me and without sounding like a creepy freek, I will keep you in my heart forever. xxxxxx
25 July 2005 07.30
tina adams wrote:
Colette, hiya hope you had a fab holiday.guess what...... my real mum and sisters and brother are coming to see me today!!!!!!! tinaxx
Sent :

25 July 2005 08:5
To :
Tinaaaaaaaaaa brilliant news tell me more did you ring her brother oh give us the gossip was she pleased you found her sounds like it.
I am so happy for you.
Yes i had a fab holiday i love Turkey the people are great and such a lively place.

Dont keep me in suspendersssssssssssssssssss
Col xxxxxxx

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email discoveries june 2005  

Tuesday, 25 September 2007

I went through some old emails today. They were sent between me and Colette, a girl I had got to know through my search. The emails dated between June 14th 2005 and July 12th 2005.

Colette was a member of a genealogy site that I joined. I must of been a member of every adoption and genealogy site on the web. She had seen one of my post asking if any one had any information about my real mum. All I knew at that point was her name and a rough Idea of the area she had lived in. Oh and I had her marriage certificate that someone else had got hold of for me.
I had already been through all the electoral registers and drew a blank. Colette emailed me to say she couldn't find any records of my mum but she had come across a mans name at various addresses over the past few years who could well be her husband. I'm not sure why but at some point we came to the conclusion that they must be divorced. Over the course of the next week the emails flew between us.
The most recent address we had for this man who had to be her husband (in my mind, anyway) was in Bootle. Colette actually lived in the same area!
We still hadn't found anything on my mum and Colette emailed me on June21st with a question. Did I think she might be dead. Yeh, I did. I had thought it for the past week. I'm not sure how I felt because at that point I still didn't know the full truth behind my adoption. I still thought she had dumped me at 10 days old and that was it. So I never was looking for a relationship, I had always thought that whatever her reasons they were right for her at the time and I had no right to intrude into her life.
I decided I was going to write to her husband, with any luck even if they had had a nasty divorce he might have a heart and tell me about her and maybe give me a photo. The next 3 days Colette and her sister kept an eye on the address we had, hoping to see him. I wasn't going to write if he looked like a murderer! They had no luck, it was a house made into flats so there were lots of people coming and going. I tried to persuade her to knock the door and pretend to be a market researcher but she was having none of it!
June 27th. Michael G. Byrne of the said address was not my mums husband. He was her son. My brother. Colette had been to the records office looking for a death certificate and came away with a birth certificate. Two days later she went back and came away with the birth certificates of my two sisters. It had never entered my head that I might have brothers or sisters. July 12th I learned my mum was alive and well and had an address for her.
Why should I or any other human being have to do shit like that and discover like that who they are. That was my family I was discovering, my birth right, part of ME!

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To Make Me Whole  

Monday, 24 September 2007

I need to know
From where I came
What made me so?

Something is missing
It’s not in my mind
A life times search
My core to find

I knew I was different
Not like the rest
As a growing child
Felt second best

Their eyes were blue
Mine were green
A constant reminder
Of what might have been

A walk to school
Faces to scan
She might have been there...
I should have ran

Scared lonely nights
My dreams came alive
I’d made her so real...
But she failed to arrive

It never goes away
That need to find
It’s the core of my soul...
The key to my mind.

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They call it education  

If any of you are wondering how we should be educating kids about adoption, look no further than the adoption clubhouse. The Adoption Clubhouse is designed, authored and formatted by adoption professionals (how scary is that!) I don't know how I ended up at this wealth of advice adoption site but I know I couldn't leave easily. I was gripped. Every now and again I had to go back and double check that I had really read the words professionals.The site is mainly aimed at young adopted kids. Great I thought, at last, somewhere for them to go and perhaps get some real and honest answers.

I have to admit I laughed my head off at some of what I was reading. I had to laugh because if I didn't I would of cried. Here are some of the 'positive' adoption words that are encouraged. BIRTH parents -My Son/Daughter - International Adoption - Child from Abroad - Was Adopted. Here are some negative' adoption words. Adopted Child - Foreign Adoption - Foreign Child - Is Adopted -. So it is positive to say a child WAS adopted but it is negative to say a child IS adopted. May be they mean the child WAS adopted but now that child is no more because it has been reinvented!
The site has an advice section to help deal with those awkward questions school friends might ask. The main thing it seems is to not only answer but to educate at the same time. So question: have you met your real parents? educate yes i live with my real parents perhaps you are referring to my birth parents. Question: Why didn't your real mother want you? Some moms are too young to keep their babies.
This part of the site was my favourite. If a child feels odd or different because of adoption just tell them about the animal kingdom.There are documented cases of pigs and dogs adopting and nursing kittens, of mother cats nurturing puppies and baby skunks, and even one case of a bird mothering a turtle and another mama dog taking care of a baby bird. Aaarh, almost warms the heart doesn't it! but the cuckoo story is the best. Cuckoo birds are definitely not cuckoo. They have adapted to their environment in amazing ways! Adult cuckoo birds never have to build nests or raise young. The female lays eggs that look like the eggs of other bird species, and then carries her eggs to those nests. If the "adoptive mother" does not feed the baby cuckoo often enough, the young bird will make different calls to other cuckoo mother birds to come and feed it. German people are so impressed with the clever cuckoo, they carve their images into beautiful wooden clocks called cuckoo clocks. So the next time you feel more different than you want to, think of all of the other adopted people in the world and the adopted animals. Adoption is a great way to build a family, no matter what your species. There everyone feeling better now. How could you possibly feel odd after hearing rubbish like that haha.
The site also boasts an adoption dictionary. Explanations to the most common adoption related words. After seeing the first word was ADD Attention Deficit Disorder I decided enough was enough! I wonder if I would still be as fucked up if I had had the wisdom of such a web site when I was a child!

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You can't always have what you want!  

Wednesday, 19 September 2007

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My name is Donna 1974  

I am finding all this harder than I thought it would be. The more I try and go back over the years, the more my emotions go array. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

The truth, that's all I ever wanted. I didn't want the perfect story or tales of being the chosen one (just as well!). I just wanted MY story, nothing else, just the truth. I was about nine or ten when I discovered the first bit of evidence, evidence doesn't seem the right word, but cant think of another way to say it. My amum and adad had gone out. They would go to Bing three or four nights a week leaving me and my sister at home. My favourite pass time was 'rooting'. I used to root everywhere. I didn't even know what I was looking for, I just knew there was something to find. I had never managed to get into the bottom of my amums wardrobe before it was usually locked. She has a couple of times showed us photos that she kept in a box there, they were special times. It didn't take long before I was on the floor surrounded by lots of papers and other boring stuff. I had got it all out just to have to put it all back and for nothing. Then I found it. I don't know what it was, I just thought it was about me. The name on it was Donna Marie ####### it also had another name on it. I was convinced that it was about me and my real mum. I quickly put everything back and hoped I wouldn't get found out. After a few weeks I couldn't keep it in any longer so I remember coming out with some rubbish to my amum about seeing something that had the names on it and I asked her who it was. She had never heard of them and didn't know what I was going on about. I don't remember much else about it. I know there was lots of ranting and raving but not much else. The bottom of her wardrobe was emptied and I never saw the boxes again. I had used to pretend my name was Donna when I was very small so seeing the name in black and white confused me. I was being told I had imagined it (even though it was burnt into my head). My amum wouldn't lie to me, nothing made sense. Although The names on the paper stuck with me I did eventually wonder if I had (along with many other things) imagined it. My amum said years later that I had probably imagined finding something because I had wanted to so much. At the age of twenty seven My Social Worker sat me down and he didn't have to say a word. I knew. I had spent forever trying to find out about myself with no luck. Then I decided to risk being called mad again and told my social worker about my 'fantasies'. Fantasies that had put me into a psychiatric hospital at the age of fourteen for over a year. My name was Donna Marie and the other name was my real mum. I had spent all my life thinking I was weird and watching everything I said to people so they wouldn't know I was strange and all along my so called weirdness were just memories.

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Landmark human rights battle by mum of six backed by campaigning MP - Local News - News - Liverpool  

Tuesday, 18 September 2007


Landmark human rights battle by mum of six backed by campaigning MP

Sep 17 2007 by Mary Murtagh, Liverpool Echo

A MERSEYSIDE mum is making legal history by going to the European courts to get back her baby daughter, who was taken away and adopted.

In 2005, Pauline Goodwin, 39, had her three-day-old daughter taken away by social services.

She has not seen her baby girl in 15 months and has since been told that she was adopted.

Ms Goodwin said her fight to get her daughter back had been held up for more than a year because she was never given a copy of vital court paperwork to allow her appeal.

Now the Halewood mum-of-six is taking her case to the European Court of Human Rights in a groundbreaking case backed by a campaigning MP.

She said: “When they took her away, I made a promise to myself that I would never give up on getting her back.

“Part of me is missing, because she is gone. My other children keep asking about her because there is a big gap in our family. It is terrible she isn’t here – she needs to come back home.”

Ms Goodwin has five other children and, when her marriage broke down in 2003, she had a breakdown.

She initially welcomed social services help, but never dreamt it would lead to her children being taken into care in February 2004.

Ms Goodwin was told it was because her home was messy and her children had missed school and medical appointments.

Social workers also claimed they had received anonymous reports about them being ill-treated or neglected.

Ms Goodwin said her children were always loved and well cared for.

Because her other children were in care, Ms Goodwin feared the same fate awaited her sixth child when she fell pregnant.

She was born in June, 2005. Three days later, Knowsley council went to court and the baby was taken into care.

At first, Ms Goodwin and her older children were allowed regular visits, but contact dwindled as the local authority prepared to put the baby up for adoption.

A few days after her first birthday, the baby was placed with adoptive parents.

Ms Goodwin said: “If I had been convicted of child abuse or I was an alcoholic or had a criminal record, then I would understand. But I didn’t deserve this.

“I’ve been told that my chances in the European courts are good. It could set a precedent and I hope it does. I am taking on social services, the government and the judges, but I have to for my daughter.”

Ms Goodwin intends to apply to the court to have her older children, who are in care, returned to the family home.

MP John Hemming campaigns on forced adoption as chairman of Families for Justice.

He said: “Ms Goodwin’s case is the tip of the iceberg. There are a lot of professionals messing up parents’ lives. There are some very odd things happening in Liverpool family courts.”

A spokeswoman for Knowsley Council said: “It would be inappropriate for the council to comment at this stage.”

Concern at court powers

CAMPAIGNERS claim babies and young children are put up for forced adoption at an alarming rate.

When Ms Goodwin’s baby was taken into care there were three other mums losing newborns that week.

Beverley Beech, of the Association for Improvements in the Maternity Services, said: “This is not the first time I have heard stories like these. It is legalised kidnapping.

“The whole system conspires against parents. Forced adoptions are rife because families are stuck with lawyers who do not defend them properly, and social workers who take action ahead of proper legal authority.

“It is an outrage. We have courts sitting in secret. The general public wouldn’t believe this is going on in Britain today.”

Leading family law solicitor Sarah Harman said: “People don’t know what goes on in our family courts. There is a complete lack of transparency because judgements are not reported and families are forbidden from talking about cases.”

Infant taken as mum recovered from birth

HELEN Brown (not her real name) had her nine-day-old baby girl taken as she lay in hospital recovering from childbirth.

Fifteen months on, the tot is earmarked for adoption.

But Helen, who has already lost two sons through adoption, has taken her case to London’s Court of Appeal after learning how to appeal against a court order on the internet.

Legally unrepresented, Helen spoke to top family judge, Lord Justice Ward, for 20 minutes to explain why she ought to be allowed to keep her baby girl.

Helen, in her late 20s and from Knowsley, is still waiting to hear whether she will be allowed to challenge the care order.

She said: “I love my kids and I am doing this for the sake of my daughter. I promised myself I would never give up the fight.

“I was so scared going to London to appear in court. It was just me and the judge, who listened to what I had to say.

“He could see I wasn’t a scumbag who didn’t care about her kids. There is a bond between me and my sons and daughter that no one can break.”

Baby Caroline was born last summer, but Helen knew social workers were waiting to take the baby.

Helen suffers from emotional problems, which make her agitated, angry and emotional. Social workers feared they would lead to her neglecting her children.

She is now keen to undergo psychotherapy and said her problems did not stop her from being a good mother.

For the past two years, Helen has had a permanent address, a partner and a full-time job.

She is a qualified first aider and been awarded work-related qualifications.

Helen is allowed to send one letter a year to her sons, now aged four and seven. The pair were adopted together; she has not seen them for four years.

She said: “In the best interests of my sons, I have decided not to challenge their adoptions. They are too far down the road in their new lives.

“The only way I can come to terms with it is to remember they are beautiful and thriving where they are. I know they have a good life and everything they want.

“But it is not too late for my baby daughter.”

A spokeswoman for Knowsley council said they could not comment on the case to protect individuals involved and because of possible legal proceedings.

Landmark human rights battle by mum of six backed by campaigning MP - Local News - News - Liverpool

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Friday, 14 September 2007

Dogs who would have em...

I lost all my blogs today and I am struggling to get them back. One of my dogs decided to give me a hug, jumped straight on my keyboard and... blog gone!! All I ever seem to do lately is moan, ha ha.

Anyway if and when I sort things I will get down to some serious blogging. If anyone can help me sort my blog out I would love them forever, well, at least for a day. Bye bye for now.

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Thursday, 13 September 2007

Another door
Another bed
Papers to shuffle
Go rest your head...

Another day
Another place
Another child
A different face

Long-term short term
Hard to place
Forget the name
Another case

Targets budgets
Paid to cope
Another home
Give words of hope

Childhood lives
Lost in wait
Reasons for change
In the welfare state

Just a little poem of reality.

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Adopt a Donkey  

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Is it just me or...

does anyone else get pissed off when searching for adoption related things. I reckon there is more information about adopting dogs, cats and donkeys than there is relating to human adoption issues.

Perhaps I'm just a miserable moaning sod! I don't want to adopt a dog or cat and I aint got room for a donkey. I want the latest information for UK forced Adoptions!
I spent the weekend browsing (out of sheer nosiness) to see what adoption groups or blogs I could find out there. If I didn't know what I already know I would be convinced the world of adoption is a planet full of happy shiny people. One forum (I nearly joined just to take the piss!) had a ten page discussion amongst members who were waiting to adopt, on what names they had chosen for the future child! Live Spaces and Face Book AaaaRH!!

Ive just got my moaning head on today. Think I might check out adopting a donkey after all. What do you think to the name Ned?

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Hair colour 1972/73  

Saturday, 8 September 2007

It is only since finding my family that everything in my life fell into place. You hear people say ‘the light went on’; it was floodlights in my case. Although I have an understanding now of why certain things happened, it isn’t easy sharing events with a key board.

It didn’t hurt and I’m not sure I can explain it. The smell, it stung my nose and eyes but no, it didn’t hurt. 1972/73 or there about. My adoptive mum was dying my hair over the bath. I was excited at first, it seemed so grown up. My hair was going to be the same colour as my sisters. My ‘sister’ is their natural daughter; she is eighteen months older than I am. I say sister, and I always will. Don’t ask me why I don’t think of her as my adoptive sister, because that is something I don’t understand myself. I just know in my head and heart she is my sister and I would kill for her.

Everything had been fine; I had sat for what seemed like ever with smelly stuff on my hair. I must have played half a dozen games with my amum and ate at least two packs of biscuits until it was time to wash it off. Amum didn’t want me to get any dye in my eyes so she had dug out a pair of rubber goggles. It was hysterical because I couldn’t hold them on for laughing. They were supposed to go over my head but of course, she wouldn’t have been able to wash my hair if I wore them properly.

I hadn’t noticed my adad come in; I just know something was wrong. My amum wrapped a towel around my head and rushed me into the bedroom. I could hear them arguing but not what they were saying. Mostly I could hear my amum crying or rather screeching. I don’t know how long it went on for it wasn’t long though. I had climbed onto the back of the settee (my favourite spot) and adad was brushing my hair. I just remember my amum ripping the brush out of his hand and literally screaming that I had done it on purpose. Done what?

It didn’t make sense; my amum was saying I was doing it to annoy her. Doing what? She was crying and shaking asking me why? I must have got scared or something because I know my adad picked me up and took me out in the car. It wasn’t long after that my amum got poorly (that’s what I was told) and had to stay in hospital for a bit.

The dye incident was never an issue, in fact over the years we often laughed about it. I never asked why it happened or what it was all about. I hadn’t given that day a thought for at least fifteen years. In 2005, I opened my front door and there was my real family. I was seeing them for the first time. If you had put me in a room with a thousand people and told, someone to pick what family I belonged to they would have pointed to my real family. There was no mistaking it. I was not only my mum’s double but also my two sisters were the living image of me. My hair dye jumped into my head like an electric shock (I’m dramatic I know ha-ha) but that’s how it was. It all made sense. I had up until the age of seven had blue eyes and blonde hair just like my afamily. My eyes changed to green and my hair is almost black.

My amum didn’t want anyone to know I was adopted. People often used to make jokes about my hair. Was I the milkman’s was the usual question? My adad just used to laugh but looking back my amum would end up having one of her funny turns (that’s what we used to call moods). I have worked through it in my head now. I think she felt everything she had done to get me was for nothing if people found out I wasn’t theirs. When she was having her breakdowns, she had decided in her head that I was changing deliberately to spite her.

Any one reading this will automatically think what a horrible person, because I know I would think that just reading it. She wasn’t a horrible person; she was just a scared woman with mental health issues.

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Adoption CyberWorld  

Discovering the world forums quite possibly saved my sanity. The internet was until early 2004 alien to me. I had to ask the kids how to turn the computer on so you can imagine how bad my computer skills were.

I was the source of my kid’s amusement for a few months of my internet initiation. They 'helped' me to set up email and other user accounts, which I thought was good of them. It didn't take long to realise they were taking the 'p' out of me. I was suddenly a member of three on-line dating agencies, a Harry Potter fan site and not to mention all the gothic vampire sites! The final straw was armchair bob. Yeh, armchair bob. I had apparently subscribed to him, sort of like a virtual husband only without the ability to knee him where it hurts.

The time had come to admit my ignorance and get help from a friend. Kids banished from the house we began. My god I couldn’t believe what was out there or how easy it all really was! The kids would have to look elsewhere for entertainment from now on.

Typing the word adoption into the search box opened up a completely new world to me. I quickly came across some forums. Some of the forums where a bit dodgy to say the least but mostly they were made up of people just like me. Ok, everyone had their own story but in one way, another adoption, or the care system had affected their lives.

I joined four or five forums, mostly adoption but one or two that were set up for kids that had been in care (my reason for joining will become clear over time). For the first time in my life, I started to open up about my adoption and childhood. I ran away from my hometown at sixteen and had never spoken about my past to anyone. Obviously, being anonymous helped but it soon became clear that these people in my cyber world were more than just 'people'. They were individuals who not only understood each other but they actually care about people.

I don’t think I would of found my family without the help of the people (now my friends) using the forums. If I were feeling like shit (common side effect), there would always be someone who understood or put things into perspective for me. I soon learnt how to do look ups and where to find information from that would help in my search. It's all about helping each other.

For me and I suspect a lot of adoptees cyberspace is the only place I can be completely honest about my feelings. In the 'real' world, it is much easier to say nothing at all. Walking on eggshells is an understatement. If I was to say how I really feel to the different people in my life, I think it would cause a global meltdown! I often play out the conversations in my head but that is where they will have to stay.

When it comes to my childhood or adoption, I have a real problem with guilt and not wanting to hurt people’s feelings. I would never be able to tell my real mum how much it hurt or affected me not having her in my life. I could never tell her how confused and mixed up my feelings still are. I could list a hundred more things I could never tell her, all for the same reason. I wouldn’t want to hurt her. Is that just me or is it an 'adoption' thing. I would love to hear how it is for others. Oh, thank god for the world of cyber and forums!

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Madonna -Adoption farce  

Thursday, 6 September 2007

So Madonna's publicist has declared that her adoption dream is still on track. What a mockery...

Last year the celeb trend was little bony dogs that would fit in a hand bag and wear pretty pink diamond collars. Wow have things moved on. The battle of the celeb status has reached new heights. To be in the running the accessory must be alive. The more remote the ethnic background the bigger the status.

Her chances of adopting baby 'David' should of been stopped the minute she took him from his home country. The Hague convention for the protection of children was put into place to stop baby trafficking and the sale of babies. So why aren't the laws been put into force.

Inter-country adoption can mean the difference between life and death for some children. You only have to see a documentary about the dying rooms in china to know that. That doesn't mean you can just go and pick one. The law is that you have to be approved in this country through the adoption agency procedure before you can even approach the other country. Madonna brought a child into this country illegally and not a damn thing has been done about it.

What the f#c# is that all about! She says she fell in love with the child and wants to raise him as her own and his future will be bright, OK, maybe not her exact words, but along those lines. Bollocks! If she really meant that then the money that it will cost her to raise the lad why wouldn't she give that to the child's family. The money would probably raise his whole village and provide a better future for a generation of kids like him.

I'm fascinated to see what the next Celeb accessory is going to be. I just hope for the poor kids sake it isn't white middle class children or designer cats!

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Adoption File  

Wednesday, 5 September 2007

I finally received my adoption file in 1994. When I was handed it I went through every emotion possible. Shock and disbelief were two emotions that refused to go away.

I don't know what shocked me more, learning that my childhood 'imaginary' name was actually the name I was given at birth or how little information there was in it. The two page questionnaire held no surprises or the torn bit of paper (which fell apart while I tried to scan it!). They read pretty much as my adoptive family had told me. I had been handed over to them at ten days of age by my real mum. I wasn't to find out for another eleven years that my afamily with the help of my real mums brother had lied to social services.

The file also contained a yellow form that had my birth name on it and my real mums name on it, along with date of birth. The form was to be sent off to the Registrar General at Southport and they would then send my birth certificate to me!! Now this is where, if you didn't already think I was a bit mad in the head, you will definitely think I am now. I couldn't part with that yellow form. It was the only thing I had ever had or seen that told me who I was. It also had my mums name on it. I cant explain how amazing that felt.

I photo copied the form and sent it off to Southport only to have it returned with a letter stating they could only except original forms. I was gutted. If it was to get lost in the post I would never ever have that confirmation again of who I was. I did warn you all that I'm a bit mad! The logical thing would of been to just keep the photo copy and send the original. YES!! I know! but I couldn't, I had waited nearly thirty years to have an identity I was scared stiff of losing it again. I hate thinking about just how desperate I felt at that time. Makes me feel a bit a sad freak to be honest, but hey fuck it I wanted a mum and needed a mum. I wanted to be loved.

I didn't part with my yellow form for over six years. The year 2000 I sent it off and got my birth certificate. here is how the powers that be summed up my birth. My adoption was little more than a clerical error at birth!

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